Eyes filled with fireflies
And flickers of pixie dreams.
Tongue tastes like lullabies
And heart broken goodnights.
Wouldn't you just love to fall asleep
With heads full of fantasy
And hearts pulsating dreams?
Because the best part of believing
Is the dream.
Author notes
"The best part about Believing is the lie." - unknown and Fireflies by Owl City. I like it, but I'd like to make it better.
Contructive criticism makes me brighter
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This has that dreamlike air of contemplation. It is cute and yet deep. Good writing.
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I like the idea and the poetic use of words. Actually the whole thing works for me, I like the first stanza, and of course you must have a good end and this is fine,enjoyed
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"With heads full of fant'sy
And hearts pulsating dreams."
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i think fantasy sounds better than how you have it there.
and the fullstop should be a question mark.
"Eyes are filled with fireflies
And pixie dreams."
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that second line. it doesn't feel enough. like there are some syllables missing. maybe "and minds of pixie dreams" but i don't know.
it's the same for the second part of that stanza. i fell there is one syllable missing from the second line.
i have nothing to say about the last lines
besides- i freaking love it.
this is really good. i love the idea and the quote you used as a prompt.
this is brilliant,
and i'm sorry if all that editing made it look like i didn't like it...
i really do like it.
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Since you gave such good criticism, would you mind looking at these two poems for me?
http://allpoetry.com/poem/5388989
http://allpoetry.com/poem/5514357 -
by full stop, did you mean the very end of the poem? I'm not quite sure what you meant by that. what do you think now?
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yeah, i think it's really good.
"And a heart broken goodnights." -- this shouldn't have an "a" in there, i don't think.
this is really good =) -
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Fixed the a. anything else you can think of?
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