I stand on the brink of forever;
The candy coated sunset closes my wounds
Of yesterdays and forgotten hours.
Her voice has yet to leave me;
Velvet chocolate with a caramel creme
That always kept me wanting.
She's left me cold;
The creamy, vanilla ice of my skin
She just loved to taste.
My bisexual-beating heart
Remembers the Candi
With a different name.
Author notes
Candy by ~penetre
http://penetre.deviantart.com/art/candy-120759962
Contructive criticism makes me brighter
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
-
Okay, awesome. It flows so much better, don't you think? Maybe change that line to something like "creamy, icy sheet"? I'm not sure. I can't think of anything better than what you have.
-
-
alright, how about that? "Creamy, Vanilla Ice" sounds a little better, right?
-
-
Perfect! I love it
-
-
-
The last line looks sort of out of place. Other than that, great write.
-
-
since you gave such good critisicim, would you mind looking at these two poems for me?
http://allpoetry.com/poem/5388989
http://allpoetry.com/poem/5514357 -
alright, i've taken out the last line and added another stanza. what do you think? And i want to change the "pale, vanilla ice-cream" line into something better. It needs to be a cold type sweet to go with the picture I need. Any ideas?
-
Adding your comment:
1 - 6 of 6
