A wish for understanding

You seem so far beyond my grasp
More than I can ever know or understand
I feel I can never be close to You
Even as I step away from Your reaching hand.

There’s such remoteness between us I cannot bridge
But in whose fault does this lie?
Have I retreated, or did You push m away-
What does this distance signify?

I want to be worthy to be called Your child
To become the woman You want me to be
I want to please You with my life and my heart
So why is there such conflict in me?

I am told that Your ways are right and true
That Your perfect wisdom makes this so
I believe in you as the Ultimate One-
So why do these doubts in me grow?

Why do I struggle against Your commands?
Why do I rebel against Your will?
I know I am arrogant, without understanding
So why then do I question You still?

You created the earth and all its wonders
You knit together my innermost parts
I believe in Your majestic power and grace
That in Your name all new life starts.

I believe that You love me and know me by name
As You do for all of Your creation
I believe You saved me through the death of Your son
That through his suffering I was saved from damnation.

I believe You are with me until the end of time
That Your presence is with me today
Though I do not see or feel You near
I believe You are here anyway.

Evidence of Your being surrounds me on all sides
Every living creature displays Your design
Everything I have I was given by You
For all is Yours, and nothing is mine.

Yet still I dare to bear my doubts
To apply my understanding to Your word
And when Your law evades my logic
I admit that my logic is preferred.

I doubt You, resent You, question You
I, formed from dirt, and made anew-
I dare to reject the omniscient mighty God-
Even as I know I fear You.

I fear Your wrath, your disciplining hand
I fear that You will view me with disgust
I hope for Your grace, your mercy on me
Even if such treatment is unjust.

I no longer am confident in what I am in You
For I know I am steeped in sin
Do You love me, hate me, turn from my voice?
Do You wish to save me, or to condemn?

Know that I am small and unworthy
I know not what I do
My God, my Father, my Savior and Lord-
I know I am in need of You.