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Is That What You Wanted To Hear?

I would follow You
Into the deepest,
Dankest,
Darkest,
Darkless depths

I would run
The Palace
Effortlessly
And, too
The King.

Our children
Growing  earnestly…..

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 14 of 14
  • Bob Fox
    November 15
    ?
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    Poet

    when to become as one in body and soul then only can words beautiful such as thses be truly felt and understood. Loved it .


  • ArtRocks27
    November 1

    Edit | Reply
    Hmmmm...I'm not sure that I quite grasp what you are trying to say but I love how it allows me to read it over and over again with a new meaning for me to divulge in or a new detail that I hadn't noticed before with a thought to bring it all together! It was simple but it made me think at the same time and I greatly enjoy poems like that! Thank you!


    Maggie


  • Swan song gold member
    October 30

    Edit | Reply
    your poems are simple and that is good honest open stuff is the best
    also i thik the refelct an inner beauty expand upon all this add a little more try a few words you are ganna be good young lady i do believe

  • abu nuwas
    October 27

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    Janet

    I like these wispy type of poems, which I am not much good at. I now know better than to suppose it is mystic and symbolic, so You means you, and palce and king are metaphors. Still, you would have made a good mystic... As you know, I am anything but...

    Last bit reminded me of the old joke: 'I think couples should be frank and earnest' 'Well, I think one of them should be a woman'

    E


    • Stirrer of Stardust
      October 27
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      lol - funny joke! I'm pretty sure I am quite mystical. With lots a bits of other things in the mix too.


  • glenn shannon silver member
    October 15
    Edit | Reply
    beautiful and just great indeed


  • awannabepoet
    October 11

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    Behold the poet who tells that which one doth wish to hear for the mind does dance wherein the lines do appear.

    Let it be told there is no darkness darker than a dank dreary dungeon.

    Let the Palace Intrigue begin.


  • John Faulkner
    October 11

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    You di a wonderfull jobI loved the simplicity of this..Easy read..I loved it

    John

  • LovingPhoenix
    October 10

    Edit | Reply
    I like your style! This is direct...the title puts the twist in! I really enjoyed this!

  • Aries gold member
    October 10
    Edit | Reply
    Direct & to the point of true emotion penned
    Good write


  • Amunet Wolfbane Moderators member
    October 9
    Edit | Reply
    I really like the simplicity of heart here and the conviction of the loyalty. The only thing that troubles me slightly (very slightly) is the "darkest" twice. I think the "darkless" is brilliant, it adds a transition, a journey...through the darkness to the light so to speak. Personally I would remove the second one, but then again when I read it aloud I do feel it solidly. Hmm, I'd like to give some better advise given it asks for constructive criticism but to be honest, the simplicity of style suits the write and that is really the best I can think of at this moment. I like it alot as is. I also LOVE the ending and the strength the second stanza shows.

    • Stirrer of Stardust
      October 10
      Edit | Reply
      It's not darkest twice. Your eyes are playing tricks on you! It's:

      I would follow You
      Into the deepest,
      DaNkest,
      DaRkest,
      Darkless depths

      See it now?

      Thanks for the lovely comment.....you know I All-Ways value your input and advice!

      Love & Blessings,

      ~ ~ Janet ~ ~

1 - 14 of 14