Why Are You Alive?

Why is he alive?

My Kemmerich?

He is alive to bring joy to the world
Help bring peace

He brings laughter to my soul
And joy to my heart
And not only me but others he meets

My Kemmerich is alive to make a change in this world
And he will.
When the war is over.

When the war is over my Kemmerich will be a hero

He will be one of the greatest that made a change
One of the brave few who fought for my country

When the war is over my Kemmerich will come home
And make a difference

But for now he fights fearlessly
But only for a while

I must tell myself that it's only temporary

He will be home soon
And in my arms.

He is my life and spirit
My survival

And I think of him everyday
And picture him defending our country bravely

Soon.

Soon.

He will be home soon

It's been harder to say that lately
I feel his presence around me
And hear his voice at night

He is calling to me
Reaching out for me

He is scared and alone
He feels pain.
Suffering.
Torment.

I feel everything he goes through and long to rush by his side

But I remind myself that this is only temporary
And it is the Devil playing evil mind games with me

My Kemmerich is fine and will come home soon

I hear a knock on the door and go to it

Could it be my Kemmerich?

I rush to the door

I pray with all my soul that it is my loving son comes back to me
Waiting for me at the other side of the door

The door he knows so well
The door to his home
The door to his former life.
Before this war.

The door that leads to happy memories
The door back to me, his mother.

I open the door.
It is not my Kemmerich

I feel my heart sadden
But remind myself.

Soon.

Soon.

It's only for a little while.

It is Paul

The look in his eyes scares me
It is filled with worry and uncertainty

I am scared to know of his reason of visiting
But eager to hear it all the same

I invite him in

We sit down
We talk for a while.
About Kemmerich

About my sweet boy
The love in my life
My sweet son
My soldier

Then there is a strange silence
I don't like it
It has no comfort
It is nothing like the old silence

The silence of home when Kemmerich was here
The silence that comforted you
Wrapped you up in the warmness of the air
Alerted your senses to the beauty of life.
The laughing.
Breathing.
The wind.
The birds.
The animals.
The soft, steady clicking of the clock.
The walking footsteps on the floor.

This silence is different
It blocks out everything.
All beauty.
All sound.
All the noise.
Everything

I'm worried but I won't show it
I won't give up any hope

My Kemmerich is coming home

Soon.

Soon.

He tells me to sit down
But I won't
I won't let it be true

Kemmerich is fine

I refuse to sit

Why should I sit for good news?

Kemmerich has sent the message that he misses me
And that he will be on leave soon
Why sit?

My boy is coming home

Soon.

Soon.

I sense his presence around me and get shivers
I hear his voice silently whispering in my ears
Telling me that we will be together

Eventually.

Eventually.

What about soon?
What about now?

My Kemmerich is alive
And it is nothing but the wind at my ears

My Kemmerich is living
And is thinking of me
And will be home.

Soon.

Soon.

Paul looks into my eyes,
Lost for words.

I finally sit down
Paul is silent for a little bit
And the cold emptiness fills the room once more

I hear the cries of my son in my ears and long for them to go away
The sounds of his pain is like hell in my head

It fades and then I look at Paul and he speaks the words I fear

My Kemmerich is gone.

Never to return home to me.

But soon I will see him and be with him.

Soon.

Soon.

My Kemmerich is gone.

All my joy

The happiness and hope is crushed
The warm silence will never be
Coldness will haunt my life forever
Until I am with my Kemmerich again

Soon.

Soon.

I hear the cries of my son and wish to be there to comfort him
To free him from his pain
But he is already free
He is dead

The only pain he feels is sorrow
Sorrow of being pulled away from life
I can feel it

My whole is filled with unhappiness

My Kemmerich is gone
My hero

This was not meant to be
Why was it allowed?
We were going to be together soon.
Soon.

He was supposed to come home
That's how it's supposed to be

So why, Why are you here?

Why are you alive?

You are not Kemmerich
You are not my joy
My happiness
My all

So why did you walk through the door that held so many memories for my son

Why are you standing before me and not him?
What purpose do you serve?
Why are you here?
Why are you alive?

All you bring me is coldness

Kemmerich brought warmth

But he is gone and I will suffer until I die
Suffer like my son did,
Bravely for the war.

I suffer for my son, in his honor

Every moment of every day I will think of him
Devote my life to his memory
Until I am with him again

Soon.

Soon.

And everyday I will wonder

Why is he gone?
And why are you alive?

I’m sorry,
It’s not your fault.

But, you must understand.
My son was all I had,
And now he’s been taken away from me.

Snatch away from me by-
Well, honestly, I don’t now who to blame,

Blame,
The soldier who killed him?
The opposing country?
My country?

Or, should I blame myself?
For letting them take my son?

I’m his mother!
Is it not my duty to protect him?

I let them have him,
I failed my purpose in life!

I feel as though I have given my son to the grave.
I hate myself!
I hate,
No!
No, it’s not my fault!

The opposing country is to blame!
If they had left us alone,
And not caused this war,
My son, would be alive,

Alive,
And with me now.

Instead of soon.

Soon.
After my death.

If only we had not been involved in this war!
My country could have saved my son!
And all the sons murdered by this,
Wicked sabbat of hatred,
Called war.

My country allowed my son to executed!
It’s their fault!
They are to blame!
No!
No, my country is good.

My country is only trying to protect its people.
But, how can they protect us,
While they destroy us?

How does sorrow,
Murder,
Sin,
And pain.
Bring peace?

I hate this war,
I hate,
I hate the blood,

Hate it,
I hate the death,
I hate-

Wait, what am I saying?
If I hate, I am no better than this war.
War.

A monster fueled by us who hate.

Through hate,
I am killing my son.
By hating,
We slaughter those we love.

We kill, by feeding the very thing that is executing our people.

And hopefully soon,

Soon

We will see the error of our ways.

If not for us, then for our husbands, fathers, and sons.
Who gave their lives for this hateful and demonic cause.
Having no choice because they loved,
And cared for us.

Or they were forced,
By another more powerful then them.

Forced by a higher power with an obsessive desire for blood,
Violence,
Chaos,
And slaughter.

Leaving us wives, mothers, and daughters yearning to have our beloved soldiers back.
Leaving us with nothing by fading memories,
Leaving us in loneliness.
Pondering and questioning life.

And I ask myself now,

Why was my kemmerich alive?

He was alive to bring joy to the world,
Help bring peace.
He brought laughter to my soul,
And joy to my heart,
And not only me but others he met.

My kemmerich lived to make a change in this world
My kemmerich was a hero
One of the greatest that made a change.

And when I die I will come home to him
And he will be in my arms once more.

Until then,
I will think of him everyday,
And never forget,

My strength and joy,
My soldier,
My all, my life
My kemmerich
My son,

Who I will be with once more,

Forever,

Soon,

Soon.