What a Good Woman Thinks Like

I fell in love with this amazing woman
The prom queen actually
The woman with the soft lips
Wide hips
And hazel eyes
The woman with a voice like
An angel
And the heart of
A mother

I fell in love with a girl
Who could make my entire world right
With a smile
Who could pick up the pieces
Or my broken past
And put it all together with just
One night
Of unbeatable love making
That blew my mind
Shook up my universe
And made my soul
Leave my body and take flight
To reside in her heart
That pumped blood that
I swear had to have been
As potent as
The blood of Christ

I fell in love with a woman that I could depend on
And together we formed the foundation of a life
That held promise

I fell in love with a woman who made me
Want to utilize the gift god gave me
And gift birth to children
That I wanted to raise with her
A woman who was as compatible to me
As Bert is to Ernie
As the sun is to the sky
And the stars are to the night
As music is to my soul

I lived a life
Of perfection
A life where I had no wants
Where all I could do was progress
I couldnt fall
I was unbeatable
Invinsible
Immortal
Bullet proof, even

I had a family who loved me
Who could make me laugh
And want to cry on their shoulders
And feel safe
I had a family I wanted to provide for
And be there for
Who could get me into a kitchen
Cooking up food for 10 to 20 people
Even though I wont cook for myself

I had everything I could ever ask for
And I never took my life for granted
Or the people who made it
So amazing

And then SHE came into my life
Into my picture perfect life
That never asked for alterations or modifications
And then suddenly you changed

You forgot me
And it was all about her
You crept around behind my back
And suddenly my picture perfect perception of life
Was smashed to pieces

You became someone different
You lied to my face
You took advantage of my trust
And my love
Something I never thought
You were capable of

You left me for a girl
-And I say girl
Because she doesnt deserve the honored title
Of woman-
A girl
With two kids who had never even had the THOUGHT of
Loving a woman before you
A girl who can only understand the advantages of having someone in your life
Who you can depend on
Who can pick you up from work
Lend you 20 dollars here and there
And watch her kids

Thats not love

A girl who, unless you had come into her life
Would have never wanted a woman
A confused straight girl
A hussy
A breeder
Who listened to Katy Perrys
I kissed a girl and I liked it
And so now believes
That shes a lesbian

You used me to get back
all that you were losing
by being used by her
then left me
to be used by her
some more

This girl ruined my life because of her own
Infidelity and selfishness
Having no consideration for my life
And caring only about herself

I am being punished because
She didnt have enough honor and self respect
To not become
the other woman

And it s ME who is receiving all the punishments for your actions
It is MY heart that is breaking
My heart that aches
My life that changed

I lost my home
My family
My dreams
My aspirations
My belief and trust
In you
But, Not you
Because all you merely did was take me
And replaced me
With another black woman
And kept the rest of your life the same
You act as if shes some generic version of me
A low maintenance form of the woman you lost
Someone who speaks up less and
Expects less out of you
Even though you have the potential
To be more
Even if you dont act like it

You had my stuff packed in trash bags
And threw me out
like trash
Even though trash is what you left me for
And left behind
A gold mine

You didnt even have the decency
Or the courage
To leave me to my face
You took your illusion of a girlfriend
And had her drop me over the phone
As casually as if you were
Canceling a dental appointment
Or a ordering a pizza

BITCH

And now

I feel the weight of my world
Falling onto my shoulders
The rains of depression
Soaking my soul
Like a sponge of cruelty
Youre like an infection
Seeped deep into my veins
Digging even deeper into my body
And you have devoured by being
Consumed my mind
And have full control
Of who I was
Continue to be
And will become

I feel like Im loosing my mind
In a spiral of chaos
Initiated by your idiocy ignorance and immaturity
And I am falling because of your decision
I am being punished because of your desires
Because you couldnt just say NO
You couldnt walk away
You couldnt put US first
And stand strong
So like a coward
You walked away

You couldnt keep me in your mind
While you kissed her lips and got drunk on her infidelity
Like wine
Because she
Turned into your addiction
Your drug
Your escape from
Reality and life

And no one else matters to you but her

From the second she said she was falling for you
You pushed me out of your heart
You threw me out of your mind
And you used me

Its all about you though?
Isnt it?
Because instead of walking away
You kept me around for your own convenience
I wasnt good enough for your honesty
I wasnt good enough for your heart
I wasnt good enough to get a chance
To make things right
But
I was good enough to cook for you
To love you and be there for you
To listen to you
To walk by you
To spend money on you
To clean for you
To spoil you
Compliment you
Worship you
FUCK you
I was good enough to be USED
But not good enough to be worked with

How many chances will she get before you throw her out like me?
I wonder if shell get to at least have a face to face break up
Or will you hold onto her
Until you find another replacement
Like you did me?
Will you leave her over text
Or just stop being there one day
Fade away into the world
And shut off your mind

I have been screaming
But your ears are deaf
I have been in your face
But your eyes are blind
I have carved my heart of my body
In an excruciatingly painful ritual
Bleeding all over my honor and my dignity
And I have packed it inside a box
Protected not with bubble wrap but with
My love hope and energy
Sent it to you
And have gotten it back marked
Return to sender
And you couldnt even take the time
Or make the effort
To mark it yourself

You have looked upon me in the most painful moments of my life
And walked away
You heard my pleas during the peak of my desperation
And closed your ears
You watched my torment caused by your actions
And closed your eyes
You knew how I would react
And shut off your mind
You ran away
From me
From facing the repercussions and consequences of your actions
And
You are my enemy
You have molested my heart
Raped my trust
Mutilated my hope
Suffocated the light in me

And I am being resurrected
In spite of all that
And yet, I run to you when I should be fleeing
I give you chances
Time and time again
Like Im stupid
Is this really you ?
You deceive me

I have decided to become
The better person
I will be understanding of you
When understanding is not required
I will be patient with you
When you are sharp with me
I will be kind
When you are cruel
And I will listen
When you yell
I will be calm
When you are enraged
And when you take from me
I will give you gifts
While you submerge yourself in this sorry excuse for a woman
I will not wait for you
Because I deserve to move on
But there is a spot for you always in my heart
Reserved for you and only for you
Because I am not the coward who gave up
You are
You dumped me and I wouldnt have it any other way
Because I am a fighter
A warrior who refuses to flee

Relationships take work
And maybe when you grow up a little
Youll have the strength to handle one

So while you hate me
I will shower you with kindness
Where you hold a grudge
I will forget
And when and if you choose to come back
I will forget this pain and receive you with open arms
Either way
Regardless of the decisions we make in life
I will be happy

I want to say no
I dont want you back
Realize that what you did to me
Was wrong
And that not only do I deserve better
But I dont even want you
And decide that I dont care what you do
Or who you choose to be with
As long as it has nothing to do with me

I want to fall in love with words
Leave you for literature
While you swim in adultery and sin
I will transcend in sophisticated thinking

Your life direction has no value
No morale
I have the opportunity to better myself
Away from you
You will bring me down
With your lack of goals
Lack of drive
And lack of passion

Youre like a rock pet
That I tried to animate
Or like a dildo that was
Only good for temporary sexual pleasure
(Except that your sexual performance
Came with an expiration date)
Like an 8 ball that only comes with
A limited amount of responses
Because it has no capability
To think deep

So I hope that she enjoys you
Because what you have to offer
Is limited

Sometimes I wish would have walked away that day
And not patched things up with you
Because for a moment in time
You where nothing
Nothing at all to me
You did not matter in my life
And had no influence for positive for negative
For good or for bad
You were like an invisible specter

But that is how you treated me
And I think that is so cruel
Because I exist
And you exist
And unlike you
I do not wish to take the cowards way out
The easy way does not allow you to grow
Although now I wallow through hell
I know I will emerge from this a
Stronger
Capable
Independent
And mature woman

My friend told me the other day that Im strong
Because most people couldnt survive what Ive been through
But no,
They could
But they couldnt deal with the demons head on
They would run
Take the easy way out
Just like you

But I choose to understand
To force through my hell until
I have mastered it
And made it my own

Only then can you rise above it
And anything else
Is fleeing

I choose to own and deal with my trials
Not to tolerate them
Because
I will rule my life
Life will not rule me

If you walk away from this with anything
Then let it be this-

To keep a happy relationship you have to fight
You dont just plow through women
Whenever things get hard
And you dont just replace your woman if
You get tired
You work with her tide
You flow with her waves
You drown yourself in her waters
Because they will eventually
Bring forth life and
Bless you

Obviously
You lack the strength to
Truly love someone
And until you
Grow some balls
Some brains
And a conscience
Every relationship you find
Will fail
And so NO

I am not giving up
Because I am not a failure
I am not a fool
And I am not a coward
I am a woman
Meaning

I am strong
I am loving
I am compassionate
I am merciful
I am wise
I am a warrior
And I am moving on