Success In Dying

I think Im going to kill myself

Rationally

I dont think that i
Can fight this battle anymore
My war against myself has been lost
And I am weary of fighting
With no cause

I am exhausted from the strain
And heartache
And weak enough to know
How easily I can break

And too afraid
To wait around
For another overwhelming breakdown

Sometimes I have the urge to do it
Just to feel as if I have some
Control over my life story

Sometimes the fear of death
Makes me want to run into the arms of
Death itself

Sometimes the pain of seeing you with her
Is too much to bear and
I want to eternally
Shut my eyes from witnessing it

The ghosts of my past
Linger on and haunt me
And accompany me to the grave

The pain of my past
Beats down onto me
And I am crumbling under
The feel of
Worthlessness and
Self-hatred that overcome me

I feel as if suicide would be a
Release from the wound of living
A necessary extermination
Of myself from the world
Or merely euthanasia
From my own ill stated mind

My mind will murder me
Or I will murder my mind
Which will come first?
My mind seems to be winning

As I believe more and more how
Ugly I am
How fat Ive become
How irritating,
Emotionally draining,
And annoying
My presence has been
And continues to be

The stress and frustration I
Inflict onto the lives of others
The heartache I inspire in those
Around me

The world feels as if
It will never be free
Never be free of me

The world will be better off
When I am gone and the earth
Has consumed me in its
Depths
Hiding the memory of me
Protecting others from the trauma of
My existence

Truly, my death would be
The celebration
Of my birth
Finally passing

A sign that the storm is over
For me
And for you

If you are honest
You would admit
Life would be easier without me

I should be considerate of others
And kind to myself
And try harder to do it correctly
Eliminate the chance of waking up
From a potential eternal slumber

To let go of this earthly body and
Let it rot
So that my soul will be free
To pass on
And start anew

If this is my desire, my will
Then will not God grant it to me?

Life is a burden
Living is a torture
To hurt those you love
To be tormented by your past
To love those who do not love you
To lose your valuables
To your enemies
To feel lost in society
Feel a lack of direction
Drive and ambition
To be a hideous sight
To yourself and those around you
A single handed
Plague upon the earth

I apologize for living
I apologize for my cowardice with
A blade and
A pill bottle
For not having enough adrenaline
To do
What needs to be done
Correctly

But my attempts
Improve each time
My cuts get deeper
And my numbers increase
I am slipping
And soon
Will find success
In dying