i need a catalyst for my chemical equation.

i sometimes think that i was meant for this.


being alone and being lonely are two different things. when you're alone you feel disconnected, like someone hollowed out your ribcage with a spoon and you have nothing left to carve out. it feels like the points of your bones dig into your flesh from the inside and you're constantly wrapping your arms around yourself, holding it together, because no one else will. it's feeling desolate and feeling like no one knows you.
whereas, being lonely is only feeling the absence of skin on your skin or warmth on your side.

suffering is universal. there are so many words used to describe bad things, used to describe cruelty. words like disdain, disgust, or involuntary. there are empty words and words that are meant to hurt. but sometimes people don't have to use their dictionary arsenal, sometimes they don't have to do anything at all. the absence of feeling is enough to hurt.
everyone suffers.
we suffer until we die.

i don't think i can look you in the eyes anymore. you didn't talk to me for six days. you got a girlfriend and another best friend and you left me. you're the reason i want a tattoo. today you told me you missed me and you held me. i wanted to cry, right in the middle of the bus loading area. i wanted to break and let words flood from my mouth, but i stayed quiet and let your arms circle me. i felt relief for a fleeting second and i felt safe. i felt important and loved and i felt like i actually meant something to someone, like i wasn't worthless, but that broke into an unexplained emptiness everytime you let go.
i've missed you.


all the friends i've ever had leave me. i had a best friend in sixth grade and she moved away and never called me again. i can't remember having another one until eighth grade, we were friends until freshman year and then we grew apart. i had taylor after that, but she got a boyfriend and lost herself in his eyes before i had time to say 'don't forget me.' then there was brandon. i never had to write a poem about him, until he left me with confused feelings and spontaneous text messages every now and then, but no matter how many times you say 'no i won't give up on you, or no, i won't leave you.' no matter how much conviction you say it with, you will always leave.

i am sweet and fragile because i haven't been broken yet, but that doesn't mean i don't suffer. that i don't fracture a little bit everytime i feel alone. i have secrets that i can't tell, they are stuck in my chest and unwilling to move. when i die and have an autopsy they will find one secret attached to each of my rib bones, my clavicle, and my hipbones. they will tell everyone i ever cared about, what they found when they parted my flesh and found hollow bones engraved with words and last requests. no one will remember me after a year.
i will be forgotten and under the ground, in a blank space and time of not having a conscious.

i will be gone.



maybe, i can take away the pain of everyone around me and make them happy. i would bear their guilt and regret and pain, and i would stay upright plastering a smile on my face and not looking anyone in the eyes. because if i looked someone in the eyes they would see. they would see the sadness and they would know and bear a little of that sadness with me.
all i ever want is for everyone else to be happy.


i'm not unhappy. i just haven't found what i'm looking for yet.