You’re always
late
while the world spins, endlessly
you stand still
“Join us!
We’ve got it right
Spin yourself
dizzy
until you can’t see…”
Moments
and beauty
a whirlwind blur
Where are you standing?
You view
a different world
Reality?
fractured
like light through a prism
your eyes
see the rainbow
then why so
gray
Alone… lonely?
Change
is always scorned
or maybe we’re just
scared
or scarred.
light burns the eyes
so we remain
darkness
engulfs
I wish I could love you.
Maybe
you’ve figured it out
but ever
detached
truth discovered
at the cost
of foundations
I can’t live
without
a floor beneath me
How can I see
yet be so blind?
Can I lead another
to your light
without opening
my
eyes
you deserve
someone
to be with you in the
stillness
watch the beauty of the world
spin
out of control
I wish it could be
me
But I won’t
I
…can’t
we both see the stars
mine from spinning in circles
yours
glittering reflections of
my chaos
I <3 comments- please leave me one!
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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First of all, this was a really great poem! I liked the fact that it needs to be read a couple of times to be fully appreciated and digested; the best poems do seem to be like that.
You definitely used some interesting wording and imagery that made this amazing to read, and overall I totally enjoyed reading it As far as a critique goes...
"your eyes
see the rainbow
then why so
gray"
Seems a wee bit contradictory to me, and even though that might be the point, I'm not sure that it meshes very well in this...
"Moments
and beauty
a whirlwind blur"
On one hand those are some great lines, but on the other hand, I'm not sure that you fully need it...I think almost without it, there would be more of this sense of scattered-ness that would kind of fit the mood of the piece, to me...
Um, can't think of any other suggestions to offer other than that...But this was definitely awesome
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you seem to be writing about the difference in perception between you and the unnamed other,
where he/she is detached from emotions, while you are not.
atleast that is what i sensed when i read this
"I wish it could be
me
But I won’t
I
…can’t"
this portrays raw feeling
"we both see the stars
mine from spinning in circles
yours
glittering reflections of
my chaos"
this part is an interesting and creative
perspective
my favourite part of the poem
however
"you deserve
someone
to be with you in the
stillness
watch the beauty of the world
spin
out of control"
i think this describes how you want the unnamed person, with somebody else who wanders through life at the same slower pace that they do, opposed to all of the emotion and passio, that that you seem to possess
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Thanks so much for the thoughtful comment. :-) My unnamed person isn't necessarily detached from emotion, just experiences them in his own space and time, which makes it seem so. But yes, I'm so glad you "got it" :-) Thanks again, I hope you enjoyed it, blessings!
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I love the write as it stands my only advice would be the spacing it doesn't help when you are reading it - it kind of lost me which is a shame because on second reading it was easier - it makes it jagged - but maybe thats the idea
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Thanks so much for the thoughtful comment! Spacing is something I'm working at in my writing, I tend to abuse the enter key :-D I often switch abruptly from one thought/emotion to another, and I use the spacing to try to contain that... I'm working on finding the balance though, between the jaggedness of my thought progression and the continuity of the piece overall.
Thanks again for your input! :-) Blessings!
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this was a great raw emotional piece
that shows human nature at its best
the idea of caring so much about someone
and their ability to not understand.
great work
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