A moment passed between us.
We shared a lifetime of "what could be"
In that space between.
You smiled as you got off the bus,
And we left it at " what might have been."
Author notes
I love moments like these...
A contest entry
- succinct by Saffron.
600 points, ended October 27, 21 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Une vie breve, mais intense..
as Modigliani wished for, and got. I believe in the relationship of a nano-second, between whomsoever, and the corollary: that true soul-mates may pass on by, for reasons of social etiquette. And I don't believe in all that mushy stuff!
Well writ.
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I loved this--it has an almost-dream quality to it. I have to agree with another comment on this that perhaps I would have punctuated it a little differently, but how you have written it doesn't take away from the sentiment behind it, which is the most important thing. I am really glad to see this poem here.
Thank you so much for entering this contest.
Saffron
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I think that this poem is very promising; however my only suggestion on how to make this more poignant and arousing would be to evaluate your punctuation. It can not only clue the reader into the flow and structure and pace of a poem but also the feeling of the speaker and the length of time.
For example if I wrote:
I cried.
that has a different feel than
I cried...
and even
I cried!
Think about how you can use these little devices and your poem will be more effectual.
Nice job.
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Multi-leveled.
Journeys -- real or imaginative -- are not always predictable.
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