Red roses wither in these hands.
As thorns collect beneath my skin,
the sun provides no warmth or solace.
Lost in a haze of disenchantment.
As thorns collect beneath my skin,
Venus turns her gaze away from me.
Lost in a haze of disenchantment
aimlessly I search for shooting stars.
Venus turns her gaze away from me;
a nebulous cloud lingers above.
Aimlessly I search for shooting stars
while collecting pieces of a fragmented heart.
A nebulous cloud lingers above.
The sun provides no warmth or solace,
while collecting pieces of a fragmented heart.
Red roses wither in these hands.
Comments
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Nicely done!
" writeonhorses" Took the words right out of my mouth. I really like this style of writing! I just might try it out now
The only thing I would change would be to work on the rhythm. Make the lines just flow together.
Other then that, I see nothing else to improve upon and you could go far with this style. Plenty of potential, bravo!
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The poem is swell. It would appear less is more sometimes.
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wow, nice work!!
i can tell you worked on this a lot. i have never seen this style before, and it's very interesting and kept my attention through-out the poem. I especially like how you start and finish with the same line, but the last one has more meaning than the first. the one thing I think could be better is if you changed the line
As thorns collect beneath the skin,
to
As thorns collect beneath this skin
it would fit better with the "these hands" line.
otherwise, dont change this too much more. It's pretty amazing as it is
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