To a moon far away:
One night in January, I met a boy who told me things that glowed, red and swollen like the mouth of a whore. He invited me to the roof, to show me things made of glass, the things too close to me and the ones too far away. I pointed that telescope towards you and called you by name.
He said, 'You two, you look the same:
nightime lovers with limbs
curled over like the start of winter.
You both stand facing each other from miles away and swallow until you choke on the dry. She is coal-pressed, the hollow on your collarbone, the spot you thought was a birthmark but turned out to be a parasite, racing through your veins and leaving them carbon black. And you, you are a cloudy saturday morning with no chance for rain.'
And he was right, because I know you. You're at the edge of everything, made of dust-- still, I think you watched me turn to him, heard me tell him it wasn't true.
You're not my mother.
But you gave me sisters: lust, sleep, cringing in the day and taking bullets from the dark. You spat them out, one after another until your body collapsed in on itself, until your stomach turned to stone, and that's when you cried to me. That's when you realized that we looked the same, the crop circles underneath my eyes the same color as yours.
You can only wonder why you give birth to fireworks, but I know: everything around you is growing together, some poison molding over your eyes until it's all you can see-- but that flash, it gives you color again. iIt gives you the red of that newborn child, biting until it draws blood. You know words for this in every language, and they line your stomach for the next spark of light.
Nuit.
Oscuro.
Preto.
Passo.
This is why I know I could never be yours. I would never spark for you, just smoke around my edges until your air was too heavy, and those invisible things in the atmosphere would break their fingers just to claw at you. You can't breathe if I come too close to you, and even if you wanted to, you'd never find me through the black.
Author notes
nyx. goddess of the dark, one of the original gods. also the reason that pluto's moon is called 'nix'. the spelling difference is to keep it from being confused with an asteroid of the same name. she's also the mother of charon, along with a ton of other dieties.
also, kindof like a daughter writing to her mother. the roof story is true.
preto - portuguese for black.
passo - italian for pitch.
nuit - french for night
oscuro - spanish for dark
A contest entry
- X Factor 3: Round Five (Top 10) by sideways hourglass.
825 points, ended October 10, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
rip it --
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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x factor
when we collide:
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 15/15
Overall opinion: 15/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 9/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 5/5
Total: 202 - X Factor
laura.
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Liz's Rubric for "when we collide" -
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 14/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 14/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 14/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 14/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 9/10
Title: 10/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 193
I thought the beginning was a little weak, but the wording gained strength as you progressed.
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when we collide
Originality: 14/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 13/15
Cohesion/focus: 14/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 13/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 14/15
Overall opinion: 14/15
impact/reaction: 14/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 10/10
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 8/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 0/5
Total: 189
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ok.
so i already told you my goal was to get an xfactor from you. so like... hmm. what do you particularly see in my work that needs more effort? because i'm confused. and i want to reach my goal, haha. -
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Oh yeah, and I didn't give ANY X Factors last round
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First off, X factor isn't over yet
Second, I actually only gave 2 X Factors this round and no score over 200, so you did really well.
Note where I thought you were the weakest in your entry:
Line breaks/structure: 13/15
To me, your transitions throughout this piece were not smooth or memorable but rough, abrupt and confusing.
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 13/15
Here, this can be partly contributed to the structure, I felt lost and needed to re-read and still, I had a hard time finding a thought or feeling to hold on to and contemplate.
Title: 8/10
The title, though functional wasn't interesting, especially in comparision to a lot of other titles in this round
Also note that you didn't lose more than two points on anything, which means that I didn't think any one place was extremely weak...
However, I wasn't wowed either, not because your use of language wasn't strong, but because I was confused and failed to feel some strong emotion or gain some intellectual impact.
Tyler was obviously impressed and that goes to show the variation between judges. My advice is not to let any one set of scores distract you because no one judges set of scores is very important by itself.
My scores will be based on technicals but also, very much on my individual perceptions, if I fail to see what you showed the others or feel what you made the others feel... I can't score as if I did.
But, since you seem determined
this would have earned X Factor if:
1. I had a clear, collective perspective from which to see and feel the images, you had the words but they weren't organized in a way that could draw me in, grab my emotions or thoughts and stay with me
2. The transitions between parts had been smoother and less broken up
3. Oscuro. Nuit. Preto. Passo. -This was the least impressive in that I didn't know what the words meant without the notes, the structure they were presented in was overexaggerated, as if these words were exremely important, when in reality it was a line of synonyms presented in different languages and not essential to the poem at all.
s and best wishes... ~Genie
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203 - X Factor
Originality: 15/15
Creativity/Poetic device: 15/15
Line breaks/structure: 15/15
Cohesion/focus: 15/15
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 15/15
Emotion/Personality/Edge: 15/15
Overall opinion: 15/15
impact/reaction: 15/15
Mechanics [this includes form stipulations. punctuation too]: 15/15
Rules followed regarding challenge: 15/15
Creativity in regards to given prompt/challenge: 10/10
Fluency: 10/10
Diction/verbiage: 9/10 "ilt"?
Syntax: 10/10
Title: 9/10
"X Factor" Extra Credit: 5/5
Total: 203 - X Factor
This is my favorite one of yours so far.
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ah shit, it's supposed to be 'It.'
am i allowed to fix that typo? -
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When all four judges have scored, then yeah. =/
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"But you gave me sisters: lust, sleep, cringing in the day and taking bullets from the dark. You spat them out, one after another until your body collapsed in on itself, until your stomach turned to stone, and that's when you cried to me. That's when you realized that we looked the same, the crop circles underneath my eyes the same color as yours. "
FUCK.
alright, you're making me get really scared.
i'm shaking in my goddamn boots, man.
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thanks.
i'm worried that that paragraph is the strongest and all the others don't live up to it. but we'll see.
DOUBLE ELIMINATION.
i'm so worried.
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i can already tell i'm going to love this.
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CHECK IT.
tell me what you think.
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