Fingertips trace
paisley patterns,
yellowed and vintage,
like the old forty-fives
collecting dust
in your basement.
Fragile swirls,
touching lips blush;
delirium descends,
sucking in air as if
the night stole it away.
Just a mistake,
disillusioned by
synapses of clarity;
the moon is spotlight,
clumsy hands
and fumbling feet.
From Eve's garden,
generic flowers tie
to a scribbled serenade;
and plastic placidity,
still looking for that
sincere apology.
Author notes
Prompt:
http://jenipho.deviantart.com/art/Hologram-138181159 and http://wildrainoficeandfire.deviantart.com/art/Pardonne-Moi-137985559
A contest entry
- the ethereal rounds iii;; shaking things up. ♥ by Immortal Obscurity.
1350 points, ended October 10, 4 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Suggestions?
Comments
-
This poem is moved to a different level from the image prompts used with deep and powerful meaning in the images presented here.
The final stanza cinches this delight bringing full circle to what is fake and what is real. Well done.
"Fragile swirls,
touching lips blush;
delirium descends,
sucking in air as if
the night stole it away.''
Loved the imagery within the lines and felt without the gerunds, this could have been stronger. i.e.
Fragile swirls
touch lip's blush;
delirium descends,
sucks in air
as if the night stole it away."
Really well done. Very pleased to see a silver trophy adorn this gem. Thank you for such a pleasant read.
~The Blue Lamp
-
crivanea & Jfd
I apologize for the rubric-change again, but since I have no idea who wrote what, I will be judging you as a team:
Title: 10/10
Mood: 8/10
Imagery: 8/10
Cohesion: 10/10
Creativity: 8/10
Spelling/grammar: 9/10
Poetic devices: 9/10
Adherence to chosen form: 10/10
Respectfulness towards judge and other contestants: 10/10
Final impression: 9/10
Total: 91/100
What I liked most about this piece is that it read as one voice. If I didn't know that it was written by two different poets, I never would have guessed.
I'm guessing that alliteration is someone's favourite device? There's so much of it in here, and I'm glad it was broken-up enough that it doesn't overwhelm the reader. Well done, and good luck.
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oooh I like this a lot! and your prompts go so well together!
I love the imagery in the poem and the alliteration works so well in this as well.
this is really great! best of luck to both of you in the contest
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