I remember when bells were raised from the earth
with such a clacking that
challenged the birds,
the chimes that wind's baby hands smacked
dull and inspiring of bronze dreams -
malleated from dirt, a hidden voice
vibrating with electricity like
thunder: racing ponies stampeding over heart
stop drop dead
and eardrum blood;
Yet when I asked if they had a message from nature,
they remained quiet in hopeless
amnesia.
~~~
Author notes
For a scholarship contest. Please be critical.
Don't hinder yourself:
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Like glass we usually shatter with a loud crack. The peal of bells attends the beginning and the end of many things . . . weddings, funerals, and the countdown in between (at least I can remember when the bell tower noted the hour). The bells, the bells, the bells, the bells, the bells . . . Poe had the right idea. Though we often associate the apocalypse with the final trump, I believe it is the bells that will precede the beginning of the end.
This is excellent.
Garrison
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I agree with Etoile's commentary on the middle part. The way you set up your sentence was too long winded...try to get to the point concisely. As I read it, I was waiting for the part that says what you wanted to say, but instead the first half of the sentence dragged.
"Wind's baby hands" - I didn't particularly like that. Perhaps "baby hands of the wind" or something. I just stumbled over that part.
Other than that, I think with some polish, you'd have yourself a solid poem. Good luck with the scholarship.
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Oh and thank you by the way
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Would it work better with something like 'wind's small hands' or is that too cliche?
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I like it.. all the things that have to do with sound. and how the man-made bells are louder than the other natural sounds.
malleated from dirt, a hidden voice
vibrating with electricity like
thunder: racing ponies stampeding over heart
stop drop dead
and eardrum blood;
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I didn't really get that part, and the line breaks seemed kind of off to me.
and I loove the last stanza, it's brilliant. such a powerful ending.
sorry I suck at criticism, but I think this is great even though I got confused in the middle.
goodluck!! I bet you'll do great
and what scholarship is this for?
I want to find a poetry one too and enter just because I can.
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Yeah, I realize the middle is pretty off; a friend and I are working on it. But thanks so much for the comment, it gives me more courage to enter.
http://www.highschoolpoetrycontest.com/to_enter -
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well you should definitely enter, I think you have a really really good chance of winning
I can't enter that though.. it's for the US only >.< boooo.
maybe I'll find a canadian one and give it a shot haha
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