The Devil's Check

I can feel your fingers inside my own
Why don’t you see it? I’m trying to let you go,
But you’re gripping too tightly for me to release…

Someone rolled the dice
The sound of it resonates in my head
Like an echo of a foot step
Reverberating in my past
The rook is taken by a pawn
Playing chess with the devil is never easy
You’ll always lose, but first, you’ll be played
Yes! Played and made to spin…

Spun on one foot, like a dancer
A blind dancer, unable to see where they are going
Cymbals, or perhaps trumpets,
Blare, make a noise like a crash
A thundering crash
It’s only wasted noise
My chest splits in two
Heart bursting from the center, like the trumpets draw it out…

Why is it not understood
That the sky will never change colors, if too many are waiting for it?
Can no one see? The queen is in danger
From naught but a pawn-a pawn!
But she is moved immediately
The devil is cunning: he sees
Water boils, but not if watched.
Does the same not apply to the sky?
The sun will not set, if everyone desires night.
It is when I wish for the day to never end
That the night appears…

I see it inside him
It is a hole
A gap too wide to fill with an apology
And why apologize?
Have I done anything wrong?
I’ve only killed him
I had to watch him die; was that not repayment enough?
I destroyed my own self, made it right again
We are even
Aren’t we?

Time escapes me
It eludes us all
Everyone out there loses the numbers
They’re only minutes; how can they matter?
Seconds mean nothing to the devil
He is a master at speed chess
An hour, a minute, a second: it’s all the same to him
Another pawn is used to remove the second rook
It seems like just yesterday
When the leaves first adorned the trees
Today they fall to the ground
Already…

He can remember that moment
It was dreary, but not cold
Warm
Like the blood that once passed through his brain
Like his soul used to be
Before it was banished
It’s not my fault
Didn’t he get better? He looked alright
Looked himself again…

Too many lights flash at night
Whatever happened to darkness?
When a breeze would pass
And all brightness was extinguished with naught but a whisper
You whispered those things into the dark
The dark that was not really there…

And so is taken the Knight…

There are walls everywhere
Walls that collect-nay, capture thoughts
And hold them until payment is received
I need them back
But why should I pay?
What do I owe?
“Check”…

It is an old trick
Distraction
One moment, the board is full
The next moment comes
And where have the pawns gone?
Every one of them has been taken
Already
But where went the time?
It fell from the trees, and now lies
Among the leaves on the ground…

There is no such thing as loneliness
It is merely a misperception of the mind
It is only a word
Like heartbreak
It does not really exist
For if it did, it would sound the same in every language
Every way to speak would be the same
Does anything exist, then
Or are they all just symbols created from letters?
Symbols that exist,
And can only be seen in a mind
But I see nothing
Have I lost my mind?
Or did you take it with you?

Have you also absconded with my heart?
You needed it
For I left you with none of your own
Only a vague emptiness
Vague, because there was nothing left to truly feel it with…

A peculiar thing, wool
For it exists both softly, and coarsely
Voices are like wool
They are odd, for the same voice can be gentle, or rough
Like a firework:
Beautiful, or terrifying
What is beauty?
It is a word
Take comfort: for it does not exist…

Who made that decision that stole my sleep?
Who made the move that stole the bishop?
Whatever became of those pawns?
You are no longer soft to the touch
Cold like stone
Your soul is only ice
One sheet of ice
Your body is riddled through with it
Your eyes reflect it…

He stared into her soul with those eyes
Held her still with that ice
And then he took the other knight
And she never knew
I’ll never know where the pawns went…

The string orchestra cries
They have lost the music
They cannot think of new music
They have no thought beyond a page
Much like you
If I were to tear up the papers
You would be lost…

More
Give me more
I will never get enough
I need more
But I don’t want it from you…

Listen! On the wind!
The wind that blows out the light
You can hear it scream on the wind
It must be rescued
I need to be rescued
But he won’t rescue anyone
Except himself
He won’t defend his last bishop
And he loses it because of his cowardice…

Wait
There are only so many moves left
Then it will be over
Love, wait for it to end
But the devil never gives up
His game does not end…

Oh, then, why does it begin?
Why do your emotions seem like learned behavior?
They appear to be nothing,
Nothing more than robotic reflex
Programmed into you from the moment you were created
Do you feel anything at all?
As what’s left of you disintegrates
Will you do nothing?

Is this cold, sharp thing that tears at me steel
Or ice
Or you?
Where did you go?
And when did you return?
Did you return at all?
Or was that a rumor too?
Rumors are only words that exist in the mind…

Our hearts beat hard
But they create only silence
All hearts at once
Trillions of hearts
Beat like thunder
And yet
Those ears hear nothing
“Betrayal is silent,”
He whispers to me…

There are only two pieces left
Two pieces, up against an army
An army of Pawns…

I remember that place
There were crosses everywhere
And I watched you die
And suffer among the crosses
Just like The Savior
But you never returned
He came back
But you didn’t
You were my savior
Now you’re just a symbol
A symbol made up of letters
Just a word brought to life by my mind…

The rain isn’t wet anymore
When it touches the ground, it turns to powder
Maybe dust
I have no power left to cry
No fluids in me
Just dust
I’m empty
Just like you
I would apologize
If this would all go away
Only I know it won’t
Apologies can make no difference now…

The colors of the world fade
Only black and white remain
I can feel myself becoming cold and marbleized
The cities disappear
And all that I see before me
Are pawns
Pawns aren’t important
Except now
When they’re all I see…

But the other pawns
-our pawns-
Where are they all?
All that’s left is you and I
Facing a battalion of pawns
I reach for you
But you’re cold and hard
You always have been
Why did I never notice before?
You were my king
But I can see now you’ve been a game piece all along
I’m being played
I have been from the start…

The only thing I wish is that I was wrong about him
We need him to be brave now
As the spine-tingling voice murmurs
“check”
Into what used to be the darkness
But now there are too many lights
Lights that pollute the night
But the time is wrong for it to be day
While we suffered
They created an artificial day
Just to spite us…

He’s breathing too calmly
He doesn’t care
To him,
This is only a game
Why doesn’t he realize
The devil plays for keeps?
And the game will never end?

I watch in burning agony as she touches his hand
I remember that feeling
How soft and warm someone’s hand felt under my fingertips
I can’t remember whose
The light penetrates my head
It storms my fortress through my eyes…

Cold, icey eyes
Thoughts are held prisoner behind walls
Walls the light burns holes through
Holes like the one I left you with
The hole that an apology can’t fix
Forgiveness won’t mend it
And the devil smiles as I forget
He knows
He’s already won…

I look at our player
He isn’t brave enough
He is a coward
He won’t rescue me
But…

It isn’t me who needs rescuing
It’s you
But he won’t even do that
He won’t rescue his king
I feel fingers drag me across the black and white
Drag me farther from you
It was the wrong move
The wrong move to save you…

“Checkmate”…

The pawns have killed you
I watch you die again
Again
Again
I will never be forgiven
Not by you, or him, or myself
And I am alone
By myself on a board of colorless monotony
I blink away tears
Maybe they’ll wash color back…

The devil laughs when I blink
He knows what will happen when I blink
I open my eyes again
And the game is reset
Like it was never played…

Your eyes are still warm
No ice, no emptiness
And you feel soft under my fingers
And I remember nothing at all
So I kill you again
And a pawn takes the first rook…

I can’t feel the walls building
Nor the temperature dropping
Nor your blood freezing…

Time is screwing me again
The sun should have gone down already
I wait for it, so I can sleep
But night will never come
And you will never go
One by one, the pawns vanish
But I’m too distracted
Too distracted by the grip you retain on my hand
I can feel your fingers inside my own
Why don’t you see it? I’m trying to let you go,
But you’re gripping too tightly for me to release…

He’s playing chess with the devil
And he can’t see that he should just leave now
It’s not too late
Surrendering is not the same as losing
Giving in is not a weakness
But a strength
But he’s playing chess with the devil
And he will never give in.

I’m trying to let you go,
But you’re gripping too tightly for me to release.