We went dancing last night
And I was wrapped—protective—
About your neck,
Attention our secondary objective
The others looked on, jealous—
Yearning to attain what we are
The perfect contrast of our skins,
My lustrous beauty without mar
And with the dancing done,
Your tired legs walked me home,
Fingers unclasp me from your throat
—I, splendor’s epitome
You watch my beads trickle down,
Slip through your noduled fingers
Small orbs fall in your enthrall;
Where I was my warmth still lingers
My kinship is in the water
—I born from sea—
That cleanses your face
But cannot make the wrinkles flee
The Venus of your daylight dreams,
You wear me in memory of youth, betrayed
But I am the constant reminder—
I am beauty that never fades
Years leave no blemish on my skin
Time cannot erase me
Ceaseless, endless as my mother sea
What I embody is your intangibility
Author notes
Please, constructive criticism is awesome!
review the rhyming
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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Lots of interesting lines in this enthralling write, it feels very "vampire-ish" to me, with the references to "time cannot erase me', and "no blemish" and so on.
Well done deserves the three clappies I'm giving.
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this was spectacularly awesome, I could not think of anything to make it better
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Stunning poem, love the use of words and the rhythm!
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Really Intangible.
This poem is the bomb. I don't know where to start from, do i start from the rhythm of the poem which is a great music, or the imagery therein. I really wish i can see such an intangible personae. Do you ever grow old? I doubt if you would from the tone of the poem. Immortal and immutable: that's hyperbolic because i know you're human and would one day be like your grandma. I love your good use of Alliteration ( daylights dream, 'd', my mother, 'm' dancing done 'd') the rhyming is good. Gud poem.
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Perfection.
Your writing boasts maturity and intensity.
"And with the dancing done,
Your tired legs walked me home,
Fingers unclasp me from your throat
—I, splendor’s epitome " Most memorable lines in any poem I've read in a long time. Amazing.
The last two lines are also perfect.
This is something many unexperienced poets strive for. You are an inspiration.
Thank you.
Keep up the amazing work...
-Aura
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