things are always expected to be more beautiful than they are,
until beauty is just some diluted
illusion
pointing towards the youngest daughter
the softest car crash
the orphan child dying in the night
the simplicity of how you still know that song
and he doesn't ever listen to it
anymore
this is me being the closest thing to beautiful i can
smearing on some makeup so people stop
staring
thinking why are there burns on her shirt
what kind of fire can't stop
what kind of fire
won't
she kind of looks like mercy
--
and so he pulls me in closer on that couch,
he puts his hands on my hips and kisses me on the mouth
but i just feel nerves that don't know how to
let him love without closing my
eyes
he holds my hands for the rest of the night
and we talk about poetry and how
sometimes things hurt so fucking bad
but when i start crying and saying
"you know when you're in your room and
you see things on your walls
and the voices keep talking too loud
and you know he's too far
to love you
and you lie to your best friend
to keep yourself quiet
and your father looks at you like
you just have become something so
hard and your mother is afraid to touch
you and your brother stopped writing
papers about how you're his hero
and your sister starts telling her friends
she doesn't have a sister
and how you just watch things die
and it doesn't even phase you anymore
and you stop watering the plants
and you start tearing pages out of the bible
and it's like when you sit in front of a traffic light forever
and you're waiting to change waiting to change
but it never happens"
he kisses my forehead and says
goodnight
and goes out for a cigarette
i think i heard him crying.
--
i fall asleep seeing the right face
and i wake up to the wrong
one
--
life is that boy in the diner that sat
two tables away from me,
laughing, playing with his girlfriend's hand
and she calls him by his brother's name
the waitress asks him what he wants
and he just stares out the window
and says i don't know
she shakes the table a little bit when
he doesn't reply
and he just says i don't fucking
know
he hung himself yesterday morning
in a town with two thousand other people
none of them knew him
except for me
i knew him so goddamn well
--
as the days go on
new bones start pushing themselves
out from my skin
this morning, my collarbones,
making my neck look so fucking
vulnerable
i'm ready for some sort of heavenbird
to come and break it
tell me i'm going somewhere
with longer streets and little diners
where people remember names
and you can love without
wondering why you will stop
this time
while satan crouches on the moon
learns how to breathe
the way i do
ready to kill that heavenbird
Author notes
a n g e l a .
this is it. the catharsis. this is breaking down to get back up.
In a list
A contest entry
- veritas. by landmark.
700 points, ended November 16, 27 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Silver dollars and empty lungs (prewrites) by Writing0Freedom.
600 points, ended December 1, 279 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - enter your best piece on the site. (favorites only) by heaven all alone.
400 points, ended November 20, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PW: favourites only! by etoile.
1760 points, ended October 26, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - "not everything you run to wants you." - short freeverse/prose. by sharptooth.
400 points, ends December 5, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - Poetry needs a new class of writers... by Why so serious.
550 points, ended December 1, 54 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - prewrite quickie. by adolescente.
400 points, ended November 25, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Yum, Auditions. by Not-The-Sun.
900 points, ended December 1, 58 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
What's your constructive criticisms and thoughts on my poem?
Comments
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This one. For publishing.
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thank you.
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I know that I've read this before, but I don't know if I've commented or not. Anyways, your writing is absolutely stunning. I've been trying to write but everything just sounds so scattered and unpoetic and after reading this, I definitely feel like I can't write anything worthwhile because it's all garbage compared to this. You're brilliant and I've bookmarked this.
♥
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well never stop writing. the world doesn't have enough poets. thank you though.
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wow.
i give you a yes, for the Yum, Auditions. -
So many long poems on this site can't hold my attention for longer than a blink, but this was...
full.
You kept me as a reader suspended through it from beginning to end. Every word.
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thank you.
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Wow, incredible. Genuine to the hilt. Very talented
Kelly
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thank you.
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okay okay; this is an official judging comment (as opposed to my last two comments...)
yes : ) -
like this. you meant it. this had meaning.
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omg
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and you entered this in one of my contests, too; so i can't bookmark it just yet; the link is missing : (
but for future reference for my rounds contest;
fucking yes, you are in.
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umm;
the simplicity of how you still know that song
and he doesn't ever listen to it
anymore
this is me being the closest thing to beautiful i can
smearing on some makeup so people stop
staring
this is the best poem i have ever read in my life. thank you for giving me the opportunity to read this : )
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that means the world to me. thank you for taking time to read the whole thing. <3
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i think i've already commented on this a couple of times.
your style; your flow; your imagery... are absolutely flawless.
i seriously have this poem printed and hanging on my bedroom wall, because when I want to stop feeling sorry for myself, and when I want to stop the pain, I read this poem.
"i'm ready for some sort of heavenbird
to come and break it
tell me i'm going somewhere
with longer streets and little diners
where people remember names
and you can love without
wondering why you will stop
this time
while satan crouches on the moon
learns how to breathe
the way i do
ready to kill that heavenbird."
I pretty much have this one memorized, along with "because I pray the yellow lines don't end."
you.are.fabulous.
thanks so much for entering.
xx
Ado -
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really? you have it on your wall?
that means so, so, so, SO much to me.
<3 -
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well, sometimes. and then sometimes in my binder.
my whole class knows this one
along with she was only a crow- -
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I hope they understood it... xD -
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they were all like, "OMG!!!! THIS IS SO DEEP!!!!!"
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thank you SO much. <3
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Xcellent poem...
gorgeous
thanQ finalist! -
i'm ready for some sort of heavenbird
to come and break it
tell me i'm going somewhere
with longer streets and little diners
where people remember names
and you can love without
wondering why you will stop
this time
- Wow.
It felt like your words just punched me in the face.
I'm speechless. Breathless.
Really, truly amazing.
I love this write.
Seriously. A miraculous piece.
You have so much talent - never lose that.
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thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart. <3
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wowwwwwwwwwwww... this was so amazing as well... You are a very very deep person. I am looking forward to reading many more of your wonderful writes !!!!
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thank you so much!
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you are beyond incredible. this piece is one of your best, and i am always blown away by your work. there is so much emotion and meaning packed in... really truly phenomenal.
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thank you so much.
<3 -
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knew itttttt. X3
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<3
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#2 fave poet. you're so brilliant. <333
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that means the world to me.
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I'm touched in long forgotten hidden corners of my mind.
I love this piece.
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thanks so much
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There is so much going on here.. it really forces the reader to slow down and appreciate each line to truely understand the meaning behind them. Which if this is from a personal experience... goes much deeper then we'll ever know. I like that about this write. Good job. thanks for sharing!
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thank you!
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Emotional
I really liked this poem- so much emotion! Every stanza touched something new inside me. Beautiful!
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Powerful
Powerful imagery and emotion.
"while satan crouches on the moon
learns how to breathe
the way i do"
My favorite lines. It almost seems unfinished, but maybe that was intentional. It seems to follow with the feeling. Thank you for sharing.
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thank you!
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the poem is powerful enough without the swearing...
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this is me being the closest thing to beautiful i can
smearing on some makeup so people stop
staring
thinking why are there burns on her shirt
what kind of fire can't stop
what kind of fire
won't
she kind of looks like mercy
- you had be from the beginning, and i love this part right here. I think this write speaks for society like you walk around and you'll see one person going through everything you mentioned because nowadays everyones wearing their hearts on their sleeves. this was a beautiful honest write.
well done.
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thanks so much!
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She looks like a thinker
The right and wrong face lines are full of insight. -
powerful description and imagery. You held my attention with the sadness and the sad, conflicted relationships, the sad things that can happen.
A disctincting write.
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thank you!
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Wow. This is like one of the most powerful things I have ever read. The emotion in it was great. :-) Great job!
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thanks so much!
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You did a wonderful job. So emotional and heartfelt I love it!
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thank you!
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nice 1 i really like it very much....
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wow this is such an amazing and emotional write!!! I think my favorite line was
"while satan crouches on the moon"
outstanding I cannot wait to read more of your stuff!
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thank you!
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just wow. this blew me away. the emotion and feeling involved was breathtaking. I enjoyed this read and it really reached me.
Thank you.
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thanks so much
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incredible.
i'm new here, and i asked someone for suggestions on a good poet to read, and i'm so glad i got directed here.
this is unbelievably beautiful. i especially liked the ending, it is so powerful.
i can't wait to read more from you.
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thanks so much. who directed you? xD
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lol, august starlight.
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well I'll have to tell her thanks.
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the simplicity of how you still know that song
and he doesn't ever listen to it
anymore
---
so woah. this made me think of this song this guy I used to like introduced me too, and it's still one of my favourite songs but he def doesn't listen to it. wow. weird.
that rant-like thing in the middle is stunning. sad, but beautiful.
and I like the word heavenbird.
starting from teh story about the boy in the diner until the end is phenomenal, def my fav parts. wowowow.
this is brilliant.
I'm going to bookmark this. this is soo I don't even know how to explain it. but this is poetry.
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You captured how I feel sometimes. It is an emotion I deemed indescribable. It has nothing to do with depression, lies, relationships... it is just a terrible, bluesy feeling that I have never been able to capture before. But you got it. Especially with that last stanza.
Undoubtedly, absolutely my favourite piece by you. And one of my favourites on the site.
I don't know what to say. You did everything extremely well.
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thank you so much ryan.
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pardon me
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thank you so much
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This must be the 4th or 5th time i am reading this and its simply amazing angela.first time i read this it set me off for almost 2 days.hats off to you!
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catharsis indeed. i really enjoyed how so many ideas, thoughts and feelings on so many topics just came out like that. I think sometimes we need to say everything that's in our heads, even if no one is listening (sometimes it's better that way). anyway, i loved it and don't ever stop writing (unless you really want to i guess)
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thank you so much
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I've read this before and I know it moved me then but reading it again was even more powerful. it needs to be on my bookmarked list.
you are a rarity, angela.
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thanks so much matt.
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amazing.
my favorite thing by you
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thanks beebs
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Fuck. I'm crying.
I love this. -
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thank you so much.
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You're welcome. <3
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things are always expected to be more beautiful than they are,
until beauty is just some diluted
illusion
pointing towards the youngest daughter
the softest car crash
the orphan child dying in the night
the simplicity of how you still know that song
and he doesn't ever listen to it
anymore
this is me being the closest thing to beautiful i can
smearing on some makeup so people stop
staring
thinking why are there burns on her shirt
what kind of fire can't stop
what kind of fire
won't
- love that. a lot. it's so so beautiful.
i knew this was yours, almost as soon I started to read it , I was like yes! Angela's work.
'heaven bird' that's so so so stunning.
finalist, duh. -
Wow, just incredible. It's so real...I fucking love this.
Yeah, definitely the best thing you've ever written.
You should see three straight-up Golds with this one.
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yeah, i wish it wasn't as real as it is.
thank you so much tyler.
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oh.
my god, angela.
holy shit.
holy shit.
this is the best thing youve ever written.
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really?!
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...
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what's ... mean?
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I just had no idea what to say. XD
... means the usual. whyareyousobrilliant, thisisfreakingamazing, etc.
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for me, unquestionably the best thing you've ever written.
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thanks.
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i have never felt so impressed in my life.
i can't come up with any words.
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that's a huge compliment, thank you so much.
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this was pretty complex but in a rather pleasing way. the only thing that made me cringe slightly was how many times you used the word 'fucking'. but in my opinion if you feel it then you write it, only thing is try not to repeat it so much because it just defuses the whole emotion and takes away from it really.
other than that it's a good write, i think you captured many stories in one and it was a bit out of the ordinary which is great!
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thank you so much dear, i apologize for how raw this is. i just wrote. -
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oh no no the rawness of it wasn't the problem i mean thats just my opinion don't ever be sorry for showing how you feel hun k?
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Heart-wrenching
The descriptions and circumstances in this poem are beyond words and the following verse says "wasting away" better than anything I've ever read. Impressed again!
"as the days go on
new bones start pushing themselves
out from my skin
this morning, my collarbones,
making my neck look so fucking
vulnerable"
Thank you... -
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thank you so much.
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the simplicity of how you still know that song
and he doesn't ever listen to it
anymore
- this is so painful.
she shakes the table a little bit when
he doesn't reply
and he just says i don't fucking
know
^^favourite part
you know how to hurt, you really do.
it's so raw and real.
i can't explain to you how much i love this.
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thank you so much.
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i hope it was okay
i don't even know if this one is really readable -
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it was.
it is. -
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thank you.
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fucking wow.
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the simplicity of how you still know that song
and he doesn't ever listen to it
anymore
wow.
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thankyouthankyouthankyou.
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