Stuck in the dilemma caused by the in-betweens
Carried away by the tempest of OUR love
Feeding off your warm embrace like a kid suckling a teat
And knowing it will not last forever—it never does.
You cross my threshold countless times.
Out.
So in comes the delusion to fill the voids that you do not when you are
Away.
Like each turn of a screw, the pain intensifies itself, justifies itself
Each second i am without you. Forlorn and far-gone
Until our eyes meet again and twirl in a pas de deux
And then i realize…WE are not yet through.
A contest entry
- Prewrites! NEW writes! I Want It All! by lesbian-in-love.
700 points, ended October 22, 211 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
1 - 54 of 54
-
wow i really like it it made me feel ur pain
-
Aww this is great! A lovely message yes, especially the last two lines.
The middle part, I like how you put a single word below a long line. Really brings attention to it!
-
I love your style the imagery that runs through the whole thing gives it a strength lots of poems lack. As for the story very sad but the ending is definately hopeful good luck in the contest
-
awwwww i loved it great write!
-
nicely penned!! ^ ^
keep writing!!
-
Its good
I really liked it, i'm serious. It sounds like something i would read from a famous poet. I do think the "like a kid suckling a teat " would sound better if u wrote " Like a child suckling upon their mothers breast"
But it was really good
-
-
It's a kid...as in an animal not a person. But thank you very much for your suggestions and kind words.
-
-
whats with not everyone givining you clappies
this is an excellent write, and even so I always give
clappies because of the effort one puts into their work,
and I just loved yours
ssss
with love and blessings
Rend
-
Whoa. I love the word void(don't ask me why), but I do!
Anyway, This wasn't my fave of yours, but I still loved it. plus, Until our eyes meet again and twirl in a pas de deux, was amazing. fave line!
-
I love the word Aubade. No on uses words like that anymore. I feel like you set this up for a sequel! I want more!!
Good luck in the contest!
x -
I really like this...the imagery is nice and strong...with an undertone of passion running through it. It comes off the tongue well too when read allous, like it has a heartbeat
I dont think I would change anything here...it has a just enough not overdone feel to it
nicely penned
T
-
Oooo...
what ya'll doing...you men??? Is there a contest somewhere ioun no nothing about? This is tha HOTNESS. Is this my first time reading your work cause if it is shame on me but not fa long. I'm finna be a fan-smile.
-
-
Where's the contest? But thank you for becoming a fan! I appreciate that.
-
-
This was very interesting to read. I really liked the lines:
Like each turn of a screw, the pain intensifies itself, justifies itself.
This was very good. Keep it up. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in the contest -
-
Thank you for your kind words on each of the poems. I'm excited about this contest; it's my first one.
-
-
Bravo.
i really enjoy this.
You tell the story of a forlorn lover.I know the feeling so well, so deeply, "like the turn of a screw the pain intensifies itself, justifies itself." I understand the on again off a gain here and your words embody true life.
fantastic.
-
I thoroughly enjoyed this read. its really quite swell. i like the choppiness of the dirty pretty style and the way you've sort of combined it into your own style with a kind of free verse and prose twist. your ending helps tie the piece together well. wonderfully penned my friend.
-
-
Will you please explain to me what this "dirty pretty" style is. I've not come across it before and I searched on Google with no success.
-
-
This is interesting. It is seems to be some of the traditional free verse type poetry but written in the 'dirty pretty' format. I am a rhyming poet and do not understand either free verse or dirty pretty. I have grown to appreciate both. I like this.
Mike
-
So emotional and touching. Good imagery, though sad. God bless.
-
Wow a powerful and emotive write
This composition is jam packed with simmering emotion.
I like how you chose to break up but still link the two verse's. The line 'You cross my threshold countless times.
Out.' is such a good powerful statement.
And at the end the little pause, a time for quick reflection and then, 'WE are not through.' a good use of the pause that adds that little bit more dramatisim to the statement.
A very smart and clever write.
Dave
-
This is very powerful,
The passion just flows.
You are one full of hope,
As this poem shows.
-
this was amazing, i really like the comparison in the beginning. And the middle stanza is just, lovely! great piece, of work there, i love the way it reads, and your style is fantasitc!
"Like each turn of a screw, the pain intensifies itself, justifies itself Each second i am without you"
^ love that. love it all..
I think this is something a lot of us can relate to.
You just showed How you feel it, and thats quite amazing.
definately creativity in this piece, and the imagery was light but apparent, making it even more lovely.
wonderful piece:]
-
I don't think that your long sentences affect the poem negatively cuz they can't strip away the deep meaning of this write. The beauty of your words have captured my attention and made this write so enjoyable to read. However, the capitals are not necessary to emphasize the words!! Other than that, this is truly a wonderful write!!keep on writing... and welcome 2 AP, HOPE YOU LIKE IT HERE!!
-
I like this.
It gives me hope. I feel this way often and I cant let go.
-
sorry I forgot to give you applause
-
it's good and full of feeling
I like this but find it difficult to do this type of poem myself -
first, brave of you to ask for critiques, good for you. Age shouldn't be a basis for a poem's value, but as a very young writer, it is an impressive piece. the poem:
some very good lines (in-betweens, threshold, screw turns) mixed with some that are obvious or cliche' (tempest, forlorn, pas de deux). One cliche is an issue, two, death for a good poem. The OUR and We i think are a weakpoint, the writing should be paced to point out the pronouns emphasized, and it is rare that caps are used (and usually in wildly abstract writing. Some do it well, someone here actually, but it is a subtle deft skill, not a technique and usually an odd word, not one that naturally is a focus.
The middle stanza has both the best idea (delusions) but an awkward manner - I think if you read that long line it will trip up your tongue, and that is a givaway. maybe more succinct and without obvious wording, something like this maybe?
You cross my threshold beyond counting
delusions fill the voids of the inbetween
Here's what I really like - that you tried a number of things, you obviously laboured over it, and you are a creative spirit. It is a pretty fair poem, and give all you tried, that is an accomplishment. I hope you keep writing and striving.
mark
-
defined can aim more
at times it's oscillating by other's certainty, which the first line set up. and it jumps at a comparison that then jabs unnecessarily almost, because there's a spectrum of "a kid suckling teat" which can have a bond afterwards that can be immeasurable if done for the years to benefit beyond immunity and brain but mind's stage for memory to facilitate the mother child closeness too. not quite as "nothing lasts" unless only technically.
so it seems with a couple the reverse is needed, the security is required first and then the family closeness one doesn't have to grow out from, as to have the squeaks
hence the handling leads to a recall of the "dance for two" or augmentation perhaps
I was uneasy how informal it's felt loosening to when the third stanza begins but tries to see it in standard of a waltz still.
categories consequently,
carolyn
-
I'm with BarbedWireButterfly on this one. Enjoyable read, but just a few things to tweak. Most notably for me was the extra long sentence - line three -stanza three. I can see exactly why you did it that way, but it distracted me from the flow and the meaning of what you were saying. Nice write, though.
Uncle Dunk
P. S. - send me a link to the next poem.
-
Interesting thoughts in this. I have to agree with your view on the capitalization etc, it really worked for me. I don't like to offer to much "critisism" when the poem is free verse...I don't really know much about free verse as I mainly write in form.
Welcome to AllPoetry though! Hope to read more of your work! Hope you like it here too!
Dari xxx
-
Hey
Kool poem =), you have a unique style of writing, i like the way that this peom ends and lines- Until our eyes meet again and twirl in a pas de deux
And then i realize…WE are not yet through.. k
wonderful k.
byyyyyyyyye k
-
This is an interesting piece, I find the layout and capitalisation confusing, and the text could do with some reworking I feel, but a good start to a period on AP, keep it up
-
Lets hope the comment works this time.
A very interesting poem. It was quiet an interesting read but there were some areas that could be improved. Let us begin with the capitalisation. I read the reason for it but it doesn’t really aid the poem, it creates a choppy flow. It’s good to draw attention to certain areas but the capitalisation just stopped the reader and caused the flow to be broken in a negative way.
The second stanza was very choppy. The word out didn’t suit the sentence it was in. Away fit well as it related directly to the sentence beforehand. Out may connect but the full stop removes this connection. The third line also seems too long, too many words for a simple thing. If I may, an example of something that would flow better could be;
“Delusion to fill the void that occur when you’re”
For the third stanza, the repetition of itself doesn’t suit the flow of this piece. A way to get around this could be;
“The pain intensifies itself, justification”
or
“The pain intensifies, (the/its) justification”
It was a very interesting write and an enjoyable read. For a first time it was excellent. Apart from these areas the poem was fantastic. Some of the phrasing was fantastic such as the metaphor of pain as a screw and the imagery of the void. -
Thank you for asking me to critique your poem, it is not of a topic or theme that I am usually comfortable commenting or writing about for various reasons, but I will do my best.
This is a complex write; the focus on the importance of unity at the cost of the sense of individuality adds an interesting depth to the write, yet it is not necessarily a positive or convincing arguement for the acceptance of a recurring non-permanent relationship.
To me it feels as though it is a semi-masochistic venting; it appears as though you are celebrating something that does not feel satisfactory or acceptable to your own sense of self.
It lacks a determination to seek a resolution that will satisfy the needs of self and is far too accepting of the needs of the other. This imbalance defeats the sense of the importance of unity that you stress so determinatly.
On to the more technical aspects; for the most part your word and structure choices were well made, my only hesitations are in your second last stanza.
The individual word "Out." alone on its own line seems out of place; it doesn't seem to be relevant or connected to its preceeding or following lines with any sort of solidity and seemed to break the rhythm of the rest of the write.
Just as the next line, the whole line, "So in comes the delusion to fill the void that you do not when you are away" is just a little too long, too complex, and feeling just a little directionless in its rambling nature. Although only slightly shorter, might I suggest:
"So, come the delusions that fill the void you cannot
When you are away"
{should you choose to keep it at two lines, as presented}
Your write shows good use of technique and a specific personal style, this has the showing of a gifted writer, most of the negatives in my critiques are from my personal perspective, but it saddens me to find one with true talent writing about subsuming their identity beneath another's personality.
I hope you continue to express, to create and to develop, for yourself and for your own benefit, all the best for the future.
P.S. {just a little side-note} check the "My Account" link at the top of this page, then click the "Latest views on your poetry link" found on that page. You will find my name listed there and linked to this poem (at least for as long as you are a gold member here).
Just as I would have found your author name linked to one of my poems had you been telling me the truth in your IM.
You have gotten what you asked for; an honest critique of your work, regardless.
But recognise please that I have this thing about those that choose to lie to me.
-
Thank you for inviting me to read you; this is a great first submission
Very expressive it is
I am personally not a fan of putting entire words in capital letters but that's just me
Welcome to all poetry; hope you enjoy the site and look forward to reading more of your work -
such a lovely love song
I truly enjoyed this read.....didn't understand the title until I looked it up......well-written.......a gr8 write........keep up the good work......very enjoyable read......Love is such a mystery sometimes.......but, we endure its ups and downs that go along with pouring our hearts out to someone that doesn't deserve it....love peace & harmony
-
Overall good. I like stanzas two and especially three the best.
The line break in two with "out" standing alone emphasizes the mood of feeling alone and this helpless situation. "Away" does the same thing. Good! I wouldn't capitalize the first word of each line...not needed.
The last stanza builds, and intensifies...with the "pain" being personified by "justifies itself"...good! Again, I don't think you need anymore emphasis on WE by putting it in all caps. Show with imagery instead of telling with caps.
The first stanza seemed the weakest. Watch the cliche's like "carried away by the tempest of OUR love" I've heard that before. Make your lines "fresh"---new. Tell me something I can relate to but tell me in a way I've never quite heard before. That's the challenge when writing poetry...I believe.
I like the poem though. You're a good writer----keep writing!!
I guess you're new to AP!?! I joined a little over a month ago. I really like it.
Nice to meet you!
-
Firstly I wouldnt change anything in this poem... I loved it the way it is...The emotions is very well portrayed and I could see it playing in my mind...
Welcome to All Poetry....
-
-
Thank you very kindly!
-
-
Welcome to allpoetry. This is a great first submission. Much better than mine, it was a poem about how much I like cookies I wrote in five minutes
I'm not a fan of putting an entire word in capitalized but that is just me. I also do like "I" to be capitalized, it just makes it seem childish if it isn't, but again that is just my opinion. I look forward to reading your next work
-Steve-
-
-
Read my comment below on capitalisation; that should clear some things up. Thank you for your kind words!
-
-
I see why you did it, I was just letting you know it wasn't in my personal taste. It was well done though. You're welcome
-
-
-
Amazing
your skills with writing poetry are absolutely amazing,
its wonderfull (:
<3
-
Welcome To AllPoetry!
You did very well with this poem of yours!
I love the thought and content that you put into this.
Thanks a lot for sharing it with me and keep up the
wonderful work here!
Jeremy0826 -
Well don't say I didn't warn you.
--
i. Personally I don't think the capitals are needed. They draw attention away from the poem. At first glance, all I saw was OUR and WE, and therefore didn't really get into the rest as much as I was distracted.
- as a gold member, I'd personally say either bold them instead, italic, or just get rid of it alltogether. The message should still come through.
ii. Many people fall to this if they use word to write their poems - unless the previous line has a full stop, you really don't need to capitalize the next line.
iii. "Feeding off your warm embrace like a kid suckling a teat
And knowing it will not last forever—it never does." << I like that line.
iv. I'd suggest to put what "pas de deux" means in your AN (authors notes) to explain what that means for non-speaking or understanding French people ^^'
v. "Like each turn of a screw, the pain intensifies itself, justifies itself
Each second i am without you. Forlorn and far-gone"
- this troubles me. It just doesn't flow right. the repetition of the word "itself" is slightly off putting. I'd suggest finding another word for the second itself - and putting "justifies iteself" on a new line as it seems to be choppy on that first one . Going on that note, the second line with "Each second i am without you." seems to cut of too short. Perhaps adding the previous line or at least incorporating it into it; may make it better.
vi. The last line... I like it, but it doesn't flow right with the second last. I'd seperate it from that stanza in all honesty and put it down a few lines.
vii. That said; I like where you were going with this, but with a few things to be tweaked, it'll be even better :]
- Disclaimer - these are my own opinions on what I'd change and you don't have to listen to a word I said.
Claire x
-
-
Thank you for your critiques. There is some very helpful information; however I think a lot of which you spoke was done with the intention of the feeling of the poem as it relates to the subject. The restlessness and relentlessness parallels the delusion and spiraling into nuerosis that comes with the absence of the speaker's love. I too debated the caps but my argument for it is: just as your eyes darted to it at the beginning, perhaps the speaker is obsessed with the thought of being a unified "US" or "OUR" as opposed to the singular "i". The repetition of itself is paralleled with the fricative "forlorn and far-gone" so symmetrically, it balances. But this stanza is supposed to be sort of rife with turmoil or agitation.
The French author's note is a good idea. I wasn't sure how to do that on here. But in my computer document it's there.
Thanks for your comments. Best wishes! -
-
Oh, i didn't even notice the "i"'s I hardly ever write capital I's in my prose anymore
Well as I said;
it's just my opinion :]
And to add AN's - at the bottom of your poem in the edit/add poem thing;
there's an option for "Add Any Notes" - just chuck it in there
-
-
-
that's truly beautiful. like the unusual structure of tis poem, especially the second verse. and the last line is perfect.
-
Thank you for inviting me to read you, this write speaks volumes of a love not through and you express it well, Josie
-
Not much to critique here!
Rich content.
Welcome to All Poetry.com
-
Agrees 100% with the comment below me. Bravo.
-
A couple of things really stand out as excellent here to me. One, I loved the idea of someone crossing your threshhold repeatedly... OUT. What a fantastic intensification that gives...and speaking of intense... the image of the screw turning, tightening to represent pain, I felt was wonderfully contrived!
Thanks for sharing this. Good luck to you, and welcome to AllPoetry (AP).
-
This is interesting keep on writing.s a well written poem
Adding your comment:
1 - 54 of 54
