You speak with tears and anguish
now, my ship is drowning in sorrow
How could you rely on someone like me
confused, angry, lethargic;
once a proud optimist
reduced to a nihilistic cynic.
I've forsaken myself,
why can't you?
You relied on the unreliable once again
look what happened.
You finished with nothing
and i'm a little more broken
Author notes
Just looking for some feedback, any tips much appreciated thank you
A contest entry
- for one who did not love by gislanni.
404 points, ends December 8, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest - The Obligatory PIF - Quickie - PW by DecorusApparatus.
620 points, ended October 5, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Just trying to get better. Flow better, any tips or thoughts?
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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I realy like it, a great write. It made me athink of myself, well done!
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it could have better rhythm
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Nice
Great work on this one Roy, the title says it all...Raul
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I really like this one. This drew me in and then i read down the page and found myself interpreting meanings and thinking back to my own experiences. I love the emotion in this poem and the word choice was perfect. I particularly enjoyed the line...now, my ship is drowning in sorrow.
amber
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I really like free verse when its well done, particularly because I can't write it. I can't quite put my finger on what I like in this poem, but it strikes me nonetheless. Lovely job.
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you started it out great and ended it great!
short & bitter, Brilliantly written. thanks for the read!
-Leeann
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' I've forsaken myself,
why can't you?
You relied on the unreliable once again
look what happened.
You finished with nothing
and i'm a little more broken '
I can really relate to this verse and it's helplessness and a slight anger to it too.
I really like this one too
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yes short and sweet with a nice flow
can't ask for better
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Short and sweet :]
Actually, it's more like short, expressively reflective and just that little bit bitter, and I love it.
"look what happened."
Brilliant punch in that. I really like the way the poem comes off subtly bitter without any outright anger.
Good luck
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So well expressed, once again.
Yes. Feeling inadequate may break not only a relation-ship, but hearts drown too.
It is all but too real. And we see the wreckage of love on all shores, forever.
If only we could love freely, eh?
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ah man, this is fabulous...I feel like this is a situation of relationships rarely expressed. I think the flow is great and I like the way the words sound together. Really enjoyed this. the only suggestion I have is maybe some punctuation after lethargic, a semicolon or dash...??
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Thank you for reading this work. Now that you mention, it did need some punctuation. I changed it up. Thank you again for the comment
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In life sometimes we put all our hopes and dreams on that one person, and nothing wrong with that. Just when their ship sinks, they feel they've let the other side down. And all sorts of emotions come into play then, such is life as old Ned once said. You have some good imagery here, and of ones personal pain I feel it strongest. Thanks for sharing and good luck in the contest.
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Expressed emotion brings me back to a poem about broken toys, we are like that to God been broken, picked up and then have something come along to smash us again and be broken. The strength of a ship is the hope. Excellent. Blessings.
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I like the simple and direct language used here, and the emotional basis of the poem is obvious.
I'm a little unsure about the 'ship' metaphor, as you abandon it straight away. I wonder if you need 'someone like' in there? And 'once again'? Just my thoughts.
I really like the sound of 'nihilist cynic'.
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