i watch the others,
the ones who go to
the soccer games
the piano recitals
the drama productions
the anything.
they burst with a pride that i can only
dream of, because of some half-witted
vixen who thought it funny, thought it
acceptable to talk loudly about something
that she heard so-and-so saw at the hospital
on sunday and wasn't it such a shame
and i hope they're okay, because
something like that
doesn't happen
to everybody,
you know.
i pray for the half that crossed their
fingers thanking whoever they thought
of in the sky that it wasn't them.
the other half,
but oh that other half, who ran manicured
nails through their hair, tinkling laughter
falling out of their pastel mouths and
can i have another coffee please, oh should
i, i'm meant to be on a diet i guess i can
start tomorrow.
the other half
who brushed it off to talk about dresses
and daughters' proms and how hard boys
can be and why won't they listen to me,
come home, call more often, cry in front
of me, look me in the eye, make me break-
fast or turn down that music right now,
young lady.
the other half
who can only dream of the pain that a
dilapidated family feels with the hair
in the bin and the jaundiced face that
gets more skeletal as days go by and
why won't she wake up she said she'd
take me to the park so i can have fun
and maybe get an icecream or two but
she won't wake up dad what's wrong
make her wake up i want to go to the
park.
the other half
have no idea what it feels like
when coffee interrupts medication,
when there might not be a tomorrow to start a diet,
when you can't go to the prom because she needs someone to drive her places,
when they cry in front of you all the time,
when it's not on the agenda to play loud music because she's sleeping,
when going places doesn't happen at all,
when coming to a game, recital, production is such a special thing
because not everybody has tomorrows.
the other half
have no idea what it feels like
to wake up when she does not.
Author notes
my mother's eyes
A contest entry
- Introspection: a series-- round three by unraveled.
700 points, ended October 22, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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truely wonderful. you have found your style. congrats on a well deserved gold.
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Oh my god oh my god, this is so beautiful. holy crap. this is... amazing. By far the best thing I've seen from you, this had power, momentum, clear style and emotional persuasion.
If you don't mind me critiquing this piece, there were only a few places were it could have been trimmed up a little more: the end of the first stanza- "something like that doesn't happen to everybody, you know" was a weaker stanza ending than the rest, just a bit empty and could have been replaced with something that would have transitioned better.
Then, maybe a stanza break somewhere in the middle section. It gets a little long, I understand the run on effect but it's still a stylistic stretch.
From the second half of the middle section onward this was pure brilliance. So damn good, it gives me shivers.
content/creativity- 40
execution/form- 37
cohesion/balance- 19
total 96
-Cassidy
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wow, this is very sad and realistic. though in the middle sometimes i lost track of which "half" you were talking about.
other than that this was really great. well put together.
peace to all ~flight
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This brought me to tears. My mother died not that long ago and this poem just pulled things out of me tonight. Because my response to it was purely emotional, I cannot offer any technical suggestions but I just wanted you to know that I very much enjoyed reading this.
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I'm so sorry to hear that, I hope things have been better for you and will get even better in the future. I know what it's like to lose someone.. it's not easy. Just stay headstrong and live each day to the fullest.
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thanks
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