She leaves
and I have no idea if or when I'll ever see her again. I close my eyes and the images assault my unconscious self, trying to over take the conscious parts that fight to remain calm, unaffected. To literally no avail. My unconscious self wins and I see this lovely daughter of mine lying in a casket of hued Oak with shining, polished brass knobs. She is dressed in black slacks with a white, button up blouse. Her hands are folded one atop the other over her chest. She looks peaceful. It saddens me in my imaginings to know that the only way she finds peace is in death.
Her stillness confounds me. Questions swirl inside my tortured mind. I know I'll never have answers. Did she know how much I loved her? How much I have always loved her? How much I will always love her? That I will love her until it is I lying in my own coffin?
All of these things live in my head. These terrible images. And more. The Police knocking on my door and asking me if I have a daughter named so and so? When I say I do I am over come with the look in their eyes. It's more then sadness, it's more than anguish to have to tell yet another Mother her daughter is gone. It's blankness. As if this time is one time to many.
Days go by and I hear no word. The visions grow in intensity and extreme. She's drowning in the ocean. Or left by the side of the road bleeding and helpless. I cringe at the sight and sounds of my own creative mind at work. An over imagination that has no means with which to stop itself.
Her life is in such turmoil that my life goes down with it. When will it stop? When will she be free of her demons and let loose of mine? The day she was born was the epitome of happiness. Who could ever know that love so amazing, so unconditional, so astounding in it's intensity and brilliance could be found in the small, helpless, wrinkled form of one's first daughter?
I cry more tears than all of the worst rain showers the land has ever seen. Drenching my hope, my courage and my will to continue in this quest to be all that she needs. Until I, once again set eyes upon her face. The face I love the most. The face I love with all of my heart and soul! The face that captured my heart and will keep a hold of it until it is I that is lain to rest!
Author notes
This piece is deeply personal. It describes some things that are hard to talk about but it's something I needed to express and in doing so set it free. I'm not looking for any one to say that they understand. I hope there aren't many out there who can relate to these thought's and feelings......but somehow, I think that is simple wishful thinking on my part. Children grow up and become adults and that is just the way it is. They don't always make us proud but we love them just the same!
Comments
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I am speechless and don't know what to say. Are there really any words for me to say that would add comfort and put your mind at ease? I wish there were. I only know what effect it has had on us on the outside looking in and it must be a thousand times worse for you. I wish there was something that I could do. I can not say that I understand outside of the fact of having my own daughter and knowing how strong that love is, that bond that is like no other. You know I keep all of you in my prayers and I believe that He will answer them. I have strong Faith and He has always come through for me without fail. People have picked themselves up from a lot worse and we have to keep the Faith that it will happen here too.
Love and always in my heart....
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