Done (not really a poem)

I know I rant alot. And I know most of it is petty bullshit moaning about how shitty life is and how unfair everything is. Except I have always known that life was unfair and shitty. I've known that for a long time. I just never realized it until tonight. My roommate and I were talking. Apparently her family isn't rich, yet her dad owns half the town she lives in. How is that being poor? She has four bank accounts and a nice new truck. She hasn't ever had to work for what she has now...granted she did work just for the hell of it, but she didn't have to. She was talking about how hard she had it as a kid cause she never knew who the hired help would be. She never knew what the new cook would be making. How is that being poor? How is that having a hard life? Then she asked about my childhood...saying that I must have had it pretty easy cause I have a nice laptop and a better phone than her. I just laughed. I had to explain my childhood to a girl who has had everything handed to her in life...wonderful.
I had to tell her that my family has owned our house for 20 years and we still have rooms that aren't finished yet. Our basement is just concrete and bricks with a few wooden poles to support the floors above it. We have electrical things that don't work. Our walls are crooked and the roof is collapsing. We never had the money to hire people to fix these things for us. We had to fix them ourselves. The meal we got the most as children was spaghetti cause it was cheap and we could afford to buy the ingredients. It was a major deal for us to have chocolate milk in the fridge, it was a luxury we could rarely afford. My parents have been in debt since before I was born and once I was diagnosed, my family was plunged even more into debt. Does it make sense that we have to struggle to buy supplies needed for me to live because God gave me the luck to get a disease? Does it make sense that it's cheaper for people to get drunk off their ass on liquor when I can't buy what I need to survive? Is it fair that she never has to worry about paying medical bills or trying to find the money to get medicine needed to live on when I am terrified of turning 21 simply cause I'm off my parent's insurance then? Once I turn 21 I have to pay for all my medical supplies on my own, either that or find an insurance company that will pay for it...then I just have to pay insurance bills. How is this fair?
How can God claim to love me when He is putting me through this? Yeah I know He probably has a purpose in all of this...probably trying to make me stronger and bring me closer to Him...well frankly, it's pulling me away from Him. How can I believe in something that has cursed my life forever? How can I believe in something that has made my life a hell so far...that marked ME to get a disease when my brother was sick at the same time...marked ME to go through depression at the age of 9...and still be struggling with it today...how could God, my Father in Heaven, do this to me...how can he claim to "love" me yet put me through all this pain? I'm sure I could find the answer if I asked the right people...if I studied the right chapters in the bible sitting in my closet...but none of the understand. They just tell me that I just have to have faith in the Lord. They will never understand that the Lord allowed the devil to do this to me and He didn't stop it from happening. He hasn't done anything to make it better...no matter how much I pray or how much I study the bible. No matter how much communion I take I will never be better. No matter how many times I get baptized I won't be healed. It would make more sense for me to stop believing entirely until a fucking miracle happens in my life than for me to keep believing in a God that has betrayed me and lies about his love for me.
I'm sorry friends that read this and believe in the Lord. I'm sure He does wonderful things and I know that I have seen some of His miracles...but I just can't do this. I can't wear a cross around my neck...even if it is the one my boyfriend gave me. I can't claim to be a Christian when I have no faith anymore. My faith is dead...CCF is over for me. I'm done.