cloud white sand - looks so bland
perfect weather - whether you care or not
eloquent songs of the forest
and i'm under it's spell
once again
drifting far from this desolate island
where i can see again those people
reminding me, reminding me of truth
I once had hands other than my own
and feet that i could watch move without walking
and eyes that i could look into without staring into water
and a mind that could agree with my own
and a beating heart other than my own
and yes! YES I REMEMBER the captains face
just before we crashed...
how clean! Oh what a pale face!
there are people, people, somewhere
living
not merely, surviving
*CRASH*
sun is finally setting
letting me have some peace from my hopeful thoughts
of others, yes others.
they laugh and laugh at me
and the tears blind my eyes
it is only water, just salty foam
and it kicks me back into reality
where i squander
helpless, hopless, you know this
you know this don't you?
yes i know, i know
what are you?
helpless, hopless,
i know this
A contest entry
- Masterpiece of an Emotional Portrait by Lime Ocarina.
900 points, ended October 3, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Constructive critism guys?
Comments
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Nice but bit weird tam tam
This ones pretty abstract for me at least, what's it about. I can see signs that youre developing some good poetic techniques tho, I just don't quite get ya! Lovya tho - lol xX
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it could me metaphorical if you want it to be?
but primarily its about a guy who is going insane because he is stuck on a beautiful tropical island with much lavish food but no humans to share his pleasure with. he is remembering what it was like to see touch smell other people like himself. he goes in and out of conciousness and then finally retreats back into his solitude.
xxx
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I like the storyline through this piece, you've constructed it quite nicely!
Well done and thank you for the entry!
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