The air hung heavy… almost hard to breathe,
And the ice squeezed my heart within its little fist.
Somewhere there was a lament for the pain that was mine,
And yet it never had a second thought about quashing my life.
It was acrid… even the ash was burning,
And yet I could not help, just stand and watch
What is wrong with me? Standing alone
On this blazing floor with your body on flame
Lonely as the moon surrounded by millions of burning stars
Oh those lovely moments we had together,
So sweet! They are before my eyes.
The time has come to a halt, I can breathe no more.
They are pulling me out, but how can I go?
Whatever be it, I cannot leave you behind.
Author notes
Can you believe it? I saw this sorry scene in a dream.... could not sleep 
after that
.... i hope it does not happen to anyone.... I wrote this down to get it out of my system... first thing the morning after
it is actually a house on fire... but that is not important.. its the protagonist her choice between dying with her love or a life without him... she chooses the former.
"they" are the rescue workers who are trying to pull her out of the burning apartment.
A A L T A
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A contest entry
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please give your honest comments whatever they are... and if you read this please do leave a feed back
Comments
1 - 60 of 60
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Truly a powerful piece...wow
Kind of takes your breath away!
Wishing you the very best,
Heavenly -
very strong piece. very very strong. the imagery is beautifully flawless, and i love the way it doesn't end, if that makes sense...
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Your English is quite good ...
but you mean "on fire", not "on flame". I'd change the last line to "whatever happens, I can't leave you behind." The last line is a bit awkward, which is why I suggested the change.
Otherwise, this is quite a good job. Keep on writing. Practice doesn't necessarily make perfect, but it certain improves the odds.
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great job, your beginning was great, thts always where i struggle. thanks for entering and good luck.
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Lonely as the moon surrounded by millions of burning stars
i love the mental picture this gives and the connection to the harshes of lonliness..great write. it r=truly is -
Well done!
Congrats on being Featured,
Oct. 2, 2009! ~ Tim
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wow truly an awesome piece
well done Poet!
love and blessings
Rend
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Brilliantly written, I loved the imagery. Thank you for sharing!
Nela
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one feels really caught thru the tone and images in this write ... almost as if I am experiencing your dream.
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Excellent
Such a horrid dream, such can stay on the mind for days and cause deep emotion.
Yes better to get it on paper to help you remember it was just a dream.
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Wow this was good. I enjoyed this. It was like I was there. Creepy though.Anyways. Thanks for entering and best of luck too you in the contest!
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Wow, you have an amazing talent.
This gave me chills and a burned forever mental image -
love the words like burn, acrid. lament, halt. they stop you in your paces.
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This is just breathtaking, excellent job with well everything!
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It's just magical
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Wow, the imagery was absolutely amazing! Very vivid!
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Bravo.
Wow. This is a beautiful piece. This dream must have been so vivid. You enable the reader to visualize the scene.
Brilliant!
Keep writing, will you?
- Adelaine
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Thanks Adeline for the lovely comment...
sure I'll always keep writing and you please do come and read more ..
Aalta
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b-e-a-u-tiful
hey 1st of all, nice hearin frm u after a really really long time...n as for d poem....its amazing....seriously amazing.
"its the protagonist her choice between dying with her love or a life without him... she chooses the former."
i could almost feel it in ur writing...bravo!!
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great work ...dreams seldom give you inspiration to come up with beautiful stuff , this ones beautiful and very strongly put. loved your words choice .
you made the sadness look evenly beautiful, not many can write like this.
kudios to you
it was lovely reading through.
thanks for sharing
best of luck in the contest.
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really a dream.. hmm lots of things come from dreams i've had as well and i think you found an excellent way to put your dreams into words, sad and forlorn,("even the ash was burning") with love and desire for the loved, and lost.. but the lost cannot be lost... rather lose yourself, than lose the love ("how can I go? whatever be it, I cannot leave you behind")... beautiful.. dino e
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I like this piece a lot. Beautiful emotions, and it does have the somewhat frantic quality of a dream. You have incredible imagery, like
"On this blazing floor with your body on flame
Lonely as the moon surrounded by millions of burning stars."
I love these lines:
"And yet I could not help, just stand and watch
What is wrong with me? Standing alone..."
I love the sudden question. It fits so perfectly because it changes the tone and 'startles' the reader to make sure they stay interested.
My only suggestion is that you might want to check the rhythm, some of the lines sound a little bit awkward or clumsy... there are a few lines that are a bit wordy that you may want to shorten. I've found that reading the poem aloud can help locating the lines that just sound a little bit off.
Well penned, this is a beautiful write and I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for sharing ♥
~HH
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Ice and fire in the first few lines seem to contradict each other, pulling the reader from one element to the other with no warning; fire and water do not mix. Your point is I think to pull the reader into the flames of your desire for this person, and to feel the pain that you feel within your heart.
The flames of love in the imagery you use explained in reality in your notes as a burning house that you cannot or do not want to leave, and how far you are prepared to go not to lose such a love.
In the first lines I would change ice to something more fitting to accentuate the burning acrid atmosphere of loves flames that are smothering you totally.
I would change the word quashing, fire does not quash it sears, and burns, and boils,
Use words that make the reader feel themselves burning in the fires of your inescapable pain.
Also change the (Whatever be it,) to What ever it is, it sounds as though Shakespeare wrote the last line, and does not match up with the rest of the poem.
I like the content and the point you are trying to make.
It was your dream, one I imagine that shocked the senses as you awoke from it.
Hard to put into words I know.
But very well done you!
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Very engaging poem, with unmistakable imagery. Makes one wonder what kind of love must that have been to have been driven to this choice.
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wow
Eloquently written. Good job.
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Nicely done and written an excellent job you did indeed, there is no choice you save the one you love or die trying, thats how it goes in life. Good job poet... Scott
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I feel as if I fell into this dream with you a very evocative and powerfully write.
Well penned poet
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If it was a choice between dying and life without the one I love I would choose dying too. This poem was really good, a little short but that doesn't matter. Good luck in the contest.
-Steve-
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very good.
Classic poetic sense and emotions here in this poem. To live without or di with. It is a very good third/first person poem. Very dramatic and scary. These things happen all the time. But its the choice that ppl make that determines their character, whether or not they truly deserved the love bestowed upon them Very good. did you message random ppl and ask them to comment? Looks like you have enough says on this piece. and none of the told you about your typo.... Squashing. you only have quashing. fix that and its gold.
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Wow, what a dream you had that night!
I love the imagery and thought that you put into this.
Thanks a lot for sending it my way and good luck to
you with it in this contest! Keep it up!
Jeremy0826 -
Hi Aalta. This is a dramatic, symbolic representation of your dilemma : stay and die or leave and die- without your soulmate.I liked very much your simile about the moon's loneliness and your "burning ash" image. The whole poem is nightmarish in theme and tone, drawing the reader into this darkness. I am sure that there is no such expression as"on flame" - on fire or aflame may be what you mean.
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The imagery is awesome in this write.
That was one heck of a dream...
Face with this situation i would save someone i would be petrified but i would have to.
You have describe this in such vividness my heat raced.
You have my applause!
Congrats on the feature!
~Lisa~
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Wow what a dream that was you had, I would run into a fire to save the one I love but you know until you are faced with that as a reality it is easier said then done.
Excellent poem and congrats on the feature.
awannabepoet
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You Are Featured!
Hello & welcome to Today's Poem!
This poem raises a life-or-death question, one in the answer lies more in the heart than the circumstance. If I were to place myself in this write, would I come to the same conclusion? For me, that answer is Yes! I could not be without my Love, so I would either try to save her or if I can't, then I'd die along her side...
Thank you for the read! This is Today's Featured Poem!
~ Tim
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living alone... without the one you love, is no life at all... I would make the same choice.
Thank you for reading... commenting and the feature
-Aalta
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The emotions that run through this are intense, you did an amazing job wordwise, thank you for inviting me to read you, Josie
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Very good piece!
Wow! The imagery you create with words here is absolutely astounding, I wish I could do a tiny bit of this kind of fantastic writing.
Fav lines:
"And the ice squeezed my heart within its little fist."
"Lonely as the moon surrounded by millions of burning stars"
Every line is unique and visual. The emotion and tone of the poem is very consistent and entertaining to read. I LOVED this one, great work!
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Nice work
You put alot of feeling into that one.
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This was truly beautiful. Emotions, pain, love, they all come clear with the words used and the imagery.
This is excellent
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wow some very intense emotions that reach out and touch the reader and make them feel the agony and pain ...an excellent write dear poet
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greta job......beautiful and full of emotions and love, very moving. its an amazing work of literature!!! i definately love it!! and i also hope i never have to make this choice in my life, ever. fantastic, moving poem, loved it.
Liz
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wow.... this is beautiful and touching and .... I should stop or I'll spoil it!!
great imagery and the use of metaphors.... are stunning. even without the authors note you have given such a vivid description.... i feel like I am right there feeling the burn, the lack of oxygen ... you really do have a talent of telling heart wrenching stories with your poems
about the story of course.... its real chilling and flaming at the same time.... such a horrible thing to happen and you saw it in a dream.... a nightmare .... that must have been difficult on you...
great work keep up the good work
I'd give you many more appalauds than that for this one
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This is a powerful piece. I really like how you describe the fire in this. It made me think of wanting to help someone, but being frozen in fear. It also makes me think of how powerful the emotion of love can be sometimes. How we can feel like we will do anything for a person. Thanks for sharing and best of luck in the contest.
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The time has come to a halt, I can breathe no more.
They are pulling me out, but how can I go?
Whatever be it, I cannot leave you behind.
Authors note tells whole story. Wonderfully written. Thanks for sharing
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sad indeed, even horrifying for a dream, the poem is well written nevertheless, good flow andgood narration...you can even catch a metaphoric tone of despair in it..quite like the poem I wrote yesterday...
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Very vivid descriptions of scene here. I like the tension between fire and ice, it emphasizes the feeling of being frozen in place before someone's death. I'm unsure of just what has happened - a fire in a house? - but the back-story seems unimportant. The protagonist is in two minds about her own safety, and without the unidentified 'they' may have perished as well.
Maybe, if you are going to revise, you could think about each word, and lose those that don't carry the story e.g.'there was a lament for the pain that was mine' could come down to something like 'I heard a lament for my pain'.
Check tenses too, from past to present. You've got something going here!
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Wow, this was a vivid dream and spawned a vivid piem. I loved the way you described what you saw. You took us there!
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Wow, your imagery is really strong in this piece..and that's some dream/nightmare you had.. You did a great job on this..It grips you to the core. Well done!
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the imagery is awesome.
"Lonely as the moon surrounded by millions of burning stars"
i believe that was the best line - it's just so powerful. i love the references to fire. I'd just say, work on smoothing out the rougher lines, perhaps extending the poem. it's such a gorgeous start.
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Holy crud. That was...WOW!!
I can't chose a favorite part, it's all so good. No great. No excellent. I'll stop now.
But dang!
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your imagery is awesome! i like that you were descriptive with it.
Return the favor?
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wow
I like the imagery you used in this one was incredible. It was like I was there, which is exactly what I love about good imagery users, I could feel the heat on my skin. I felt my throat constrict with the smoke of the fire etc..
Beautifully done -
amazin'
omg..this nightmare wud have scared u to hell..but d good thing is that it inspired u to come up with this gr8 piece..lovely use of repetition..
a very dark n amazing write..keep it up!
take care..
ur pal..
~Parth
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amazing!
i really liked this write. nothing here seemed forced. from the first line i was taken in and felt every word. great writiing. thanks for sharing
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This is most beautiful. The lines chill me with the darkness you have penned. I see no need for any change. Keep up the good work and be kind to your muse. Papagallo
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What a dream! You took such an extreme visual and was able to capture it into your writing.
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aww this is scary. wow but its a good poem
x
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Hey, This sent shivers down my spine. This would definately be a scary situation to be in. You really put across the fear that this situation would generate inside anyone.
Scary write.
Thank you for sharing. I hope not all of your dreams are this scary. -
this is a really intense write, full of emotions and great imagery...
I especially liked this line:
'Lonely as the moon surrounded by millions of burning stars'
very beautiful...
It's just a shame that it's so short, would have loved to read more...
take care
Suza
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wow this so deep sad and like honest..i just love it..great job!!
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