That old screen door,
where the children once played,
where we sat together beneath the sun,
and a glance from you explained the world,
is now where you stand calling to me...
Hurry home dark victory.
The sun's going down
on old hobo town,
against the wind,
you're breezing in
and blowing out,
and I don't know how
to make you smile,
when things go wrong
and you're so far
from what we were.
Hurry back dark victory.
Our house you built
just don't feel right,
without your uncertainty,
and your hide and seek,
that you never realized,
you played alone,
till you came out to see,
no one has searched,
for your lonely party,
and your forgotten gift.
Hurry home dark victory,
I will always love you so.
Author notes
Inspiration....sweet inspiration.....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rrVDViSlsSM
In a list
A contest entry
- 1000 points, 1000 pws by Shadow Anonymised.
1000 points, ended November 23, 1091 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
1 - 42 of 42
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This is very nice. I think that in your second stanza both "your" should be *you're.
It's a great poem, I loved every word of it, especially the last stanza:
"Our house you built
just don't feel right,
without your uncertainty,
and your hide and seek,
that you never realized,
you played alone,
till you came out to see,
no one has searched,
for your lonely party,
and your forgotten gift."
So sad!
-
Breathtaking. Hurry home dark victory.
Absolutely enchanting, hypnotizing.
-
This poem has a very simple elegance, with a smooth and natural flow.
I think in the 2nd stanza you mean "you're" instead of the two "your"s
And also maybe breathing instead of breezing?
Overall a very beautiful and emotional piece! =)
-
"...a glance from you explained the world." Beauty.
-
I never question your poetry Liam, you have your own unique style which combines a raw flow of energy with a sweet running stream of thought...the nostalgia and haunted tone of this is your trademark; one with which I can identify and feel completely at home with
And so to the prompt; the inspiration yes! hey man I thought I had everything Led Zep ever done...I guess I overlooked this one bro...raw, gutsy ramblin blues...and from their debut album...haveto slap myself on the wrist yup!
Thanks for the memory
John
Cheers
(one for the poem and one for the road)
-
Beautiful and sad.
Your poems wake some sort of longing in me.
You are an exceptional writer.
Love
Sonya
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This is a great poem. There is a lot of feeling behind this, and it is well played throughout the poem. Thanks for a great read.
-
Nothing look a poem with pure emotions and imagery make you feel like you were there and can relate to another person life good job
-
You are the best at turning your words into a story that haunts and delights your readers. I always find myself reading them aloud
-
that sweet but lonely call to return to days of old..the victory of our youth and freedom it brought to roam...haunting words dear brother but deeply understood
-
Such vivid imagery behind your lines ...I came to realize that Dark Victory is her name.....and you are calling her home....Amazing how you paint the pictures and mood with your words...Another magnificent write!
-
Soft, simple speech to communicate a quiet hope in this poem. I love the repetition of "Hurry home dark victory." Somehow it seems an invitation to return home is always heart warming.
The language you chose to wrap these sentiments in only adds to the depth of the piece and I love the imagery that it creates.
Beautiful work. Thank you for sharing your work, poet, and best of luck to you in the contest.
- Bean Sidhe -
Wow, this spoke to me.... first half sounds like I wrote it, second half sounds like it was written about me. Damn if I am not somewhere in between the lines :
you played alone,
till you came out to see,
no one has searched,
for your lonely party,
and your forgotten gift.
Funny how things can change so much and stay the same... I guess tonight everything has me back in time.
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wow great job
-
This was just amazing.
and I don't know how
to make you smile,
when things go wrong
and your so far
from what we were.
loved thos lines!!
-
the most well written thing i've read all night. it's good.
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Heartache and yearning for a love that seemed to dissolve so slowly it went unnoticed until it was too late. You have such a way with words, I am always humbled by your wisdom and the truth in your poetry. Absolutely wonderful write!
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WOW!!!!! I m just speechless
-
Amazing and image packed. Great use of metaphors and it made me think of a love that is stronger than any pain that it deals the heart. Fantastic write. Good read, Liam. I enjoyed it.
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wow simply amazing
-
the words read like a rolling rhythm,
a song and dance of yesterdays. I agree with the comments below me... there is a longing and it does play out like an old movie.
but [and call me weird] it makes me smile.
every line of Hurry home dark victory. there is something uplifting every time my eyes hit those words.
the best way I can explain it, is the feeling of coming home. no matter what struggles or bullshit and stress the world throws on ya, coming home brings a sense of calm that makes it all fade away, if only for a moment.
and I've gone off on a tangent and forgotten my point.... lol.
beautiful Scribe, as always
~ me
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hearts to pen for the painful past withered from the cry.. for the one still waiting for the soul that left us ,, never to open the door to come in again .. sad dear heart for the message i see is a spouse up and left hugs always Angel♥
-
awww
i love this i can feel the pain u have from her being gone and i can feel your sadness, but i also can feel the hope. the hope that says she may come back one day and be with you for the rest of time. i wish you the best.
good luck and keep up the great writting
Stephanie<3
-
sad, but magic
our hearts keep us chained to the past and all the hurts that cling to it. I relate to this poem which comes from such a dark, sad place. I especially like your lines:
"and your hide and seek,
that you never realized,
you played alone,
till you came out to see,
no one has searched,
for your lonely party,
and your forgotten gift."
-
very unique and spellbinding
-
This makes me feel as though I'm watching a black and white movie rather than just reading words on a screen; there is a soft power behind the emotions that lock me in
beautiful poem
♥
Stay safe
-
Awesome and chilling feeling when I read your poem. Memories of a life once lived for many people.
-
The one who once upon a time could ease you with the touch of a hand, now cold and distant. Not knowing exactly why the distance has grown, wondering how it all came to this. You begin to realize that home has indeed become a house.
When that which is held oh so very dear has slipped from our grasp without our realizing it was happening is what I call reality. Though the time and tide shall ebb and flow, these memories remain.
Peace
-
i was well impressed long before the halfway point of this one.
genuine and strong words.
-
Great. The past always looks better when you look at it from the future, but somehow this poem feels like those memories have not faded and that they are still preserved in the heart: waiting and hoping for their return.
-
Nice
A sense of longing for what once was. Nostalgic, and maybe regretting that it is no more.
The imagery is nice, and I love the repetition of "Hurry home dark victory." It works really well. I realized why I love your poetry so much...Each line is usually very strong while flowing into the next line. You don't get slowed down reading your poetry, in fact, you're encouraged to continue to the end. You do it better than anyone I've read on here.
Keep it up brother, this is awesome~
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great writing Liam, love it once again. Amazing stuff my friend. You've blown me away again.
-
Yup, I've read it twice...
I did find this sorrowful but I also got a hint of frustration from it. I'm not sure if it comes from being unable to change circumstance or the inability to let go... But that's just me.
Brilliant work from you once again! Well done!
Looking forward to your next write!
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Lovely poem....I bet we all read it twice to enjoy
the authors textures and vulnerable depths within it!
way to write!
I am sure Betty was very honored by it!
-
This carries the same amazing and haunted, to use the perfect word of the commentor below, tone as all your poems. So beautiful and so sad at the same time, trully brilliant.
One cannot deny that your poetry always comes from the heart, I rush to read each poem of yours I see.
Fantastic =]
-
sorrowful and haunted. This is why I read you. I could hear the floor boards creak in that one spot...yeah, this is why I read you. Beautiful
-
wow the creativity was very beautiful and very very true. The words you wrote made me smile and want to cry.
"I don't know how
to make you smile,
when things go wrong
and your so far
from what we were." Is my very fave part. Your a wonderful writer! I bet one day if you already not I mean, going to be a famous poet!!! -
oh, Liam
This was awesome.
it had a touch of darkness and sadness to it .
i got the feeling you really love someone but you can't tell 'em , and you need to take a chance at telling them.. who knows maybe i'm wrong.
"your breezing in
and blowing out
I don't know how
to make you smile,
when things go wrong
and your so far
from what we were."
That touched me so deeply i know how it feels when you feel
like you have done all you can do to make someone smile but you
just can't .
wow i think this one really got to me way too much. *takes a deep breath*
Brilliant!
-Mandi
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Well done. I enjoyed this.
Mike
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It's late at night you're at the screen door lightly tapping (don't want to wake her parents). She appears in nightgown so beautiful...perfect. You both whisper stuff through the wired prison...words weave through dusty metal as if no door at all. Lattice charms...breaths through
a steel gate...move... effortessly...just as eyes do.
Kisses through the screen are very special...it's all dusty...metalic...if it's done right a bit muddy...wet...young hot.
-c
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no throwing this one out.
I like it.
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I really liked this.... it feels like a song I love, called "Leave Me Alone, I'm Lonely" haha.... such a chick song....
but it really does feel like it.....
you've created yet another masterpiece of cadence and creativity, my dear. =]
-K
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