As moon eclipsed; out from the deep
Dark shadows stirred, began to creep.
Through silent streets their death parade
Advanced beneath the blood moon's shade
On those, unknowing, sound asleep.
With cunning wiles the goblins seeped
Into the homes of Falder's Keep.
There was no time to be afraid...
As moon eclipsed.
They left no one behind to weep,
Or burn the dead of those they reaped
And left to rot; their bodies splayed,
Hewn in their beds wherein they laid.
No more to wake from their last sleep...
As moon eclipsed.
Author notes
Sorry...this is a little...dark...
Prompt: Goblin
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rondeau_(poetry)
A contest entry
- Reserve a spot by Valley Girl.
400 points, ended October 18, 8 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Oooh, yes a bit dark but fabulous!! Very well done Rondeau and a pleasure to read. Glad to see a gold on this-- well deserving!
K
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Hey! This is exceptional.... dark imagery but incredibly vivid and your rhyme is pin point perfect.
I am going to assume you are now happy with your punctuation in this?
I tip my hat to thee.
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woooahh ;o
This is amazing You did a very wonderful job writing this ^^ i loved it!
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This is wonderfully composed and a joy to read. I haven't penned a Rondeau in a long time and I rarely see one on AllPoetry so this is a true masterpiece.
Love,
Amera♥
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Excellent write! I have never read this style of poem before, but you did a fantastic job. Imagery was dark and gory, but it was whatever you took from the promt. Thank you for entering, best of luck in the contest!
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Well, I don't know much about this form in particular, but I clicked on your link and read up on it a bit and you've hit the form itself dead on perfect. Everything from following the correct rhyme pattern, to the syllable count... and it even has a lyrical flow to it like an old scary song that would be chanted around a Medieval bonfire... or Rennaissance would be more like it. And the story you told here is wonderfully magical, even within its darkness. Of course, I'm partial to dark poetry anyway
Let's see... as far as punctuation goes I think it all looks pretty good as it is... I think I would just shift a few things around here in there. I think a few minor moves of punctuation placement will enhance your already great flow and pace in this piece. Since there's only a few spots I'll list my suggestions by the line
Line 1: I would maybe remove the comma and add a semicolon at the end of the line.
Line 2: Maybe remove the comma and add ellipsis ( which it '...' in case you don't know ) in its place, but I think the comma works fine so you could ignore this suggestion if you want .
Line 4: I don't think really needs the comma or anything in its place. I think the line would read fine without it.
Line 8 and 14: I would definately switch from a comma to the ellipsis. Again, the commas are perfectly fine, but in these lines I think the ellipsis will add to the mystical aire of the poem because it adds a little more hesitation before moving to the next line and increases the suspense. And maybe an ellipsis after each "as moon eclipsed" too for the same reasons. I'm trying to decide on that one, but it's whatever you feel is best.
Line 10: I would add a comma to the end of the line.
Line 12: I think I like it with a semicolon but again, you might want to try it with a nellipsis in its place just to see how it looks/reads.
Well, I think that's about all I can suggest as this was already a fantastic piece to begin with and your punctuation was not at all bad. Like I said the changes I suggested are what I feel might enhance the great poem you've already got here. Good luck in your contest!
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Wowzers
Yes, dark indeed, but so wonderful and well written. You have the knack, Mo, and it sure hasn't disappeared. I love this, the words, the style, the flow, the thoughts, the rhymes. This is fantastic. Hope those goblins don't come to visit me. Great job and good luck in the contest!
Love you,
'Dad
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oh, dark indeed! A most perfect Rondeau--most folks torture the form beyond recognition--just a super poem no matter how you slice it, if you will forgive the pun! Loved it!
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Your Prompt is Goblin
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