Letters from me

1972

Dear mummy
I am sorry you were sick this morning...I know it was my fault that you needed the drink..All the mess...the noise...I should try harder..I will try harder to be good.
Like Jesus..though in the bible it says that even he was naughty sometimes... don't think Mary slapped him though..my ear is still buzzing and I feel a little sick.

Please mummy..can you have a word with daddy..he says he wants to show us that he loves us..that we are special. But I don't like it when he puts his tongue in my mouth. It makes me feel funny, it makes him breath too quick, like when he leaves my sisters room.
She is always under the covers crying when he leaves.I don't think she wants to feel special.

Is that why you chopped off her hair mummy? so she wouldn't be special anymore?
I don't think it worked, daddy was in her room for hours last night after the drink made you go to sleep. I think he likes her even more now. I hate it when  she cries, and I hate the bruises he leaves on her arms and legs. How come you never see them? You never see mine either..but my sister does, and she holds me in her arms, and sings to me.She says she will be my mummy one day, but she is just a little girl like me. I wish you would sing to me.You sing in church, is it so Jesus wont know about the time you stood in the doorway, when daddy played his special games with me. It hurt mummy, and I wish you had stopped him.

1973
Dear mummy
Its lonely here in this room on my own. Why do I have to stay here all the time?
I want to show you how I can write my name. My teacher says I have to practice my reading, she didn't believe me when I told her that no one comes in my room to listen.
I told her about daddy coming in at night, but I don't think she was listening, and he only ever wants to look at grown up books anyway. I don't like those books, they make me feel shy and sad. I miss you mummy, I wish you would wake up sometimes. And I miss my big sister too.Do you think she will come back soon.

2009

Dear Jim
I have decided I will never call you dad again..you do not deserve the title. I would like to tell you about the sadness.. and the shame..about how even going to the bathroom hurt...about my sisters babies...in their graves because of the damage you did. I would like to tell you in detail, make you feel the weight. make you wallow in your filth, but
it would probably excite you, if you were not cold in your grave, you sick and twisted morsel of filth. I hope you rot, along with the slithering, hypocrite excuse of a woman who pretended she never saw you beat and rape us. Hell is two good for the pair of you.

I quit the drinking, well almost, but I still wind up crying , curled up in a ball, in the shower, scrubbing myself over and over till my skin bleeds, scratching my skin, like a wild animal. A gentle touch, a scent on the breeze, a half memory, that mocks me ,out of reach, can make me drop to the ground, a pile of remains, remains of the childhood stolen.
There is a silent scream, it hurts so bad, its been stuck in my throat for so long, but it just wont come out, and I am tired so very tired, that death seems inviting.But just like all those times I refused to keep quiet even though it earned me unspeakable torture, I will never take the shortcut.

No one knows about your sick games, I have tried to explain why a simple touch makes me die inside, but the words stick, like baked on mud, your filth is still my parasite.
And though I try to run from the demons, they call me by name. And I don't know if I can keep running.


2009
Dear Heather
Did I ever thank you? you are my savior, my soul mate, my dearest friend, and all that remains of a past we can never truly escape.
You are sick now, frail, and although we never say it, we both know that we will never get to France.
I am scared to face a world without you.The thoughts of leaving you in the dark howl in my mind, like ghouls.Please know that you are the light in my world, My childhood was a pessimal excuse for existence, and you saved me, made me whole. I  will keep the essence of you always safe in my memories, with the sunshine, and the peaches. I love you, always and forever
Trea x