You suit my needs as sustenance,
I am someone real to hold
hope to God that we don't fall
to the abyss below - no parachute
or safety net, just snow and white and cold;
you suit my needs as sustenance,
and I'm someone real to hold.
-- GO ahead and vandalize
leave your mark, a little surprise
for someone else to lay their eyes
and see right though (penetrate?) my bad disguise.
You suit my needs as sustenance,
and I hear you are like glue
scrutinize my broken soul
yet I'm still just a fool - tender heart and
caring lips, and staring eyes so blue;
you suit my needs as sustenance,
as I think I do for you.
-- GO ahead and run away
don't dare turn back to my ballet
just in case you're ... spun astray
just come see me another day ***^
I really need some help continuing this: giving me some starting lines for the next stanzas would be WONDERFUL
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I feel like criticising this one just to get my own back but im not that petty.
Overall quite good tho the rhymes seem to compromise the artistic content just for the ske of rhyming.
Like i say overall quite good.
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you know, that's what I think about the rhyme scheme, I just can't seem to make anything work when I'm not rhyming.. maybe I'll try finishing this then do another version.
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This one has a lot of elements I really like. Just from reading through the comments, you mentioned that it's about how your starving. Not to be morbid, but that's what I want to see! I didn't feel enough of that in the poem, but I do like the repetition of the phrase "you suit my needs as sustenance." The only problem is that it needs a little more detail so we can feel more of what you're getting at. I really like this one though, especially the rhyme you have going. It's just apparent enough to be noticed, but not near enough to be obnoxious. Nice work
-Odyssey
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Hmmm
Well for one you spelled abyss wrong and Sustenance. It is always good to speel your title correctly! This poem is also not the kind that I can tell needs to circle around the lines "You suit my needs as sustinence,
I am someone real to hold" It works with certain lines and words but this is not the write kind of sentence to circle your poem around. Try talking about how the person is your daily bread and the water you need to survive. play off of the word sustenance! IT IS YOU TITLE!! GOOD LUCK!!!
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well, yeah, I'm not the greatest speller and I was on an old computer that didn't correct me. and on that point.. spelling, you spelled a whole lot in your comment incorrectly...
as for the title, it's not set at all, I just didn't know what to call it for the time until it's finished.
Does this change anything? "You suit my needs as sustenance" doesn't mean that I'm using them as sustenance, by the way, it means that right now I'm starving, and I could if they let me!
This is basically just the first idea to a piece, not anything set in concrete..
If this changes any of what you said, please let me know, as I felt pretty put down by your misinterpretation of my writings.
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That's really great. Um... If I were you I would continue with giving an example or explaining to your readers why the person in your poem would need saving. Something along the lines of
The next time I am broken
I know you'll be my glue
You suit my needs as sustinance
As I hope I do with you
Or something? Anyway, I wish you the best of luck with this one. -
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wow, that's kinda perfect.. I mean, lately just NOTHING has been coming to my mind that flows.. for weeks and weeks and finally.. I had to ask for help and.. it was so easy for someone else! AH!
Thanks! you've given me a great thing to go on.
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