i slipped into bed
of formless sounds-- naked feet and starving-face --
the city made
slow
absorbing cues
at night. always,
there was a vacant place- everywhere
i looked.
as you twisted in the other
room- desolation of lonely conversations
exhausted curtains' eyes
[they mothered the dim glow
of buildings]
and the cold walls caressed
my hair-- i was a little girl
who listened to ghosts for distraction.
you weighed
the train-music
that passed some miles away--
you wished
like me
to disappear
in me
without
being noticed.
Author notes
"I would like to be the air
that inhabits you for a moment
only. I would like to be that unnoticed
& that necessary."
- from poem 'Variations on the Word Sleep' by Margaret Atwood
[so far, edited nine times.]
writing is a therapy. i am not a writer. i am a liar and a flesh eating monster.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Loved this.
"and the cold walls caressed
my hair-- i was a little girl
who listened to ghosts for distraction."
That part was amazing! -
I don't know how much editing you've done already but as I read this poem there is no more necessary. I feel the loneness, the need for that touch, the "air" as the quote insists upon. Leave the poem as it is. There is magic in these words and a compelling need to read and re-read. Beautifully mysterious with sound affects. I wish you well in the contest.
Much Love & Respect ♥
Renee
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excellentt!
wow. this is really good.
...a
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what lovely poetry, especially the "train music" part
~ Nicolette
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so gorgeous..
i've missed you princess, how you doing?
i'm sorry i haven't commented, been a way for awhile [mentally]
so glad to read your work though, keep it up
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The opening is a poetic equivalent of the clarity provided in early Chinese ideograms. It doesn't matter which leg you create first for the table as long as it stands. For pound incompetent poetics was one which used words which did not contribute directly to the meaning and this masterful notation is found in specific areas of your work:
"the city made
slow
absorbing cues
at night. always,
there was a vacant place- everywhere
i looked."
This is nature for poetry, in that it's natural on the tongue and flows. To continue and conclude with pound: creates the logopoeia, the melopoeia & the phanopoeia. The visual image is bursting and the rhythm is natural.
I found "starved faced" to be problematic. Also to highlight something else; your second stanza feels polluted with over usage of "the"
I really love how you ended the piece itself, the innocuous repetition of "me" really has a striking effect.
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i'll keep editing... till i feel like completely decarding this or just forget about it.
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yes i was thinking that hinders the flow too... and about the "the's" i thought of not adding adj. possessions... but i guess you are right.
thank you.
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Beautiful write. It seemed very real in the imagery. I loved it. *gives standing ovation*
Guardian Warrior.
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Your ending is perfection.
[they mothered the dim glow
of buildings]
I believe you might be able to make this work in another fashion, it's kind of out of place, makes for a great description though...
Overall, beautifully written! -
I'm with tara on this one, now... stop tinkering. winks. It's good, really good.
hugs
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the editing shows..this is amazing. such a powerful ending, i love the curtains mothering the dim glow of buildings..wow!
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