Sometimes, I Wish I was ...

An angel.


Most people will tell you that in order for someone to detect progressing signs of deep depression and suicidal behavior, they have to care enough to look for it.


  I got caught in the rain, again, today. I always take things like that too personally and feel like they must mean something. The rain was cold and sad and made me cry and it felt like it was disappointed and unforgiving. And it hurt.


I thought of how it was just so typical, because I'm always being rained on and looked down on. I couldn't imagine, in that moment, why or how I'd let myself get used the way I had. I've been saying, lately, "I always sad I'd never be THAT girl' ", and I felt like I messed up at some point. But then I got to thinking, maybe I was always MEANT to be 'that' girl. The girl that is continuously used and is a slut and gets involved in the wrong things. And I felt my heart breaking...

           And as I stepped onto my roadfull of broken promises, whiskey breath, pipes and lighters and screaming night skies, I felt hopeless. And then as I thought, I realized, no, I wasn't meant to be the bad, misled girl at all. I was always supposed to be the girl who gives and gives until her aching spine is all that can't be given away, yet everyone begs for it anyway. I was meant to be the girl whose ribcage shakes and sputters and creaks, and even though it causes ruptured lungs and screams, she must go on and forget her pain, for longer and longer, because there are people that still  need saving.

And I found myself wishing I was born an angel, so there would be some justification for this behavior.