Iron and wine gather round
In blue omens and incantations
Indelibly market my untamed soul
I'll save no innocent bones
I'll suffer no faint heart
I'm sure swift surly death
Impossible immovable immolate of wrath
Igniting blacklit abyssal fires
I'll swing blade and port
I'll samba with unbridaled lust
Inscrutable trinkets and rags adorn
Intolerable days before indecent nights
Immersed in sensual sweltering seas
I'll walk my bridge alone
I'll pillage other frail spirits
In front of this mirror
I'll chart a new kismet
Impervious to that man's charms
Island'd away from his cutlass
Imprisoned no more by him
I'm through believing in love
I'm through believing in forever
I'll dry these wetted cheeks
I'll strike the dark colors
Initiated, a hopeless heartless pirate
Author notes
Iron and Wine - Innocent Bones
A contest entry
- quickie. by winterbound..
450 points, ended October 11, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Excellent poem - i have been this hopeless, heartless pirate before. Maybe I'm still wearing an eye patch.
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That was a tricky prompt and you've done it proud - though I hope the last verse isn't the truth not to believe in love?? oooh noooooo that will never do !
Very well written
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wow a profound write here MrHardy,
truly a sad piece with believeing that
love doesnt exsist for you,
well done sir!!
Love and blessings
Rend
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LOVED it
it was amazing -
Great entry
You really ran with the prompt on this contest entry, and did well with it. I liked reading the poem. Your notes ask for suggestions, so I will offer one- Your alliterative line seems a bit long:
Impossible immovable implacable immodest immolate
It unbalances the line visually on the page, and the first four words are adjectives, and the last word is a verb
Suggestion: Break the line at immodest and write a new bridge using your verb immolate in the next group of words. - or
break after the word implacable -
Impossible immovable implacable
Immodest[ly] immola[ting] [souls]
into the blacklit abyssal fires
Other than that nit - I found the enture poem rich with colourful words and excellent phrasing throughout. You do exceptionally well with freeverse and have a talent for pulling the reader into your thoughts.
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I am so relieved to see that this is just a contest entry because as I read this I thought huh? But now that I see that it is just a contest entry it all makes sense now and you did that prompt justice my friend. You have some really strong imagery in this one. I think you might have overdone it just a bit with your alliterated line, but that is just my opinion. ( and I haven't read the contest so if it calls for that, then forgive me)
I wish you luck in the contest.
Suzi
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Yes, this is just a contest entry!
Suzi,
Thanks for your feedback. Yes, this is just a contest entry. The prompt was "iron and wine - innocent bones". I have never written anything like this before. I didn't want to let the cat out of the bag until toward the end. I was reaching for anger, brutality, and resolve to harden oneself or remake oneself after a devastating hurt. In that anger, to abandon caring and be the deliverer of harm rather than the victim. Obviously, the attempt to steel oneself, insulate your hopes and heart while you lash out. It was just those moments before the mirror and before the emotional pendulum swings back to the emotional devastation.
Any suggested changes with this purpose in view would be appreciated.
Jack
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