i collide against the satin sheets and cotton pillows, curling my body to the point where my elbows slipped against my kneecaps. i envisioned you next to me when i felt alone, but i usually closed my eyes and replayed the moments when it felt as if i could keep you here, and not let go of the string that kept you beneath my clipped wings. but it was serenity that softened my eyelashes with moistened tears when i recognized that my muscles weren't contracting the strength they used to when you swiftly exited my daily routine without a trace of closure. but with you, i was extremely strapping myself from delivering a package of 'goodbyes' to my heart valves, because we had already decided i was going to wait for you, and i had every hope of mine soaring so high above me that if disappointment swirled through the breeze that chilled my skin, i would severely fall apart.
i fell in love with our friendship. irony wrapped around my eyes like lace to prevent me from understanding that you could find a new life within the boundaries you've built, and the salt embedded oceans that diverged against fate. i feel at ease when your name flashes on my cellphone, and my throat glands relax with every memory i surrender into your hands. though you're well aware that i'm being cornered by forbidden attractions and the yearning to take that one step into something i could very well regret, you stand by my side; watching me steadily without a glimpse of judgement.
how incredibly selfish of me, to claim you as one of the only breathing souls i can actually count on in this universe that i've created around my unstable conscience. i don't know what to do. you are thousands of miles away, and i feel my heart rate increase with every ignorant thought that crosses my mind, with every memory that cascades within my braincells. my fingers tap impatiently against my windowsill, as i stare out at the traffic shifting across the main road through town.
youshouldbehere.
and i should be stronger than this. i should have it in my blood to let go of the string that's keeping you close to my heart, but for the first time, i don't want to. whatever it is i feel, it's more than love, but not in the 'i'm-in-love-with-you' kind of love. it's indescribable, and whether or not i can fully grasp it within the space between my fingers is up to fate in its purest power. all the knowledge that's packed up in cob-webbed boxes is far within my reach. i just want to feel your hands caressing my skin, or hear your voice condensing my pores. and someday, you'll be able to hold me tightly against your chest again.
i promise.
Bronze trophy winner
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