Gorgeous ocean waves
Clashing!
With the flaming embers
Of what was once a happy home
The kids are shouting
Everyone has given in
Because even if the fire was put out . . .
It would'nt do them any good
They were never taught how to swim.
Very crappy.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Well done!
Although this poem was simplistic in it's form and subject matter, you paint a wonderful picture; and, though some may think it was sad toward the end, I think it was merely unfortunate.
Well done!
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This poem made me feel very sad, and hopeless like this family is struggling to survive within the walls of thier very home. Maybe that wasn't the point you were trying to get across, but it left me with a bitter hopelessness...short but good write
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It is very short but it gives off a definate image, which is actually kind of terrifying. The ending line is very powerful, especially since it's so tragic. Nice penning
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powerful words, a bit short for what I enjoy to read however you did a really good job and the point came across in the few lines of your poem. GJ!
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the middle reminds me of "Stay Together for the Kids" by blink 182 (which is a good thing by any standards). well written with a powerful group of images. keep it up!
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Thanks. I love Blink-182
and the fact that you
campared my work to them, is
wow. =]
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I like this...the last lines especially. =}
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I wouldn't say it's crappy, it just needs some work. I don't really like how the second line is Clashing!, maybe describe the sounds of the waves crashing, and clashing. I don't know if I like the line "everyone has given in" either, but I do love the idea how if the fire is put out, they can't swim anyways
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Ah! Thank you soo much for the honesty!=]
I mean, compliments are nice, but sometimes
you just want some critiques on how to
imporve your writing. =]
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i feel like its katrina all over again because not only is it the drowning and water but this water caused electrical fires.. i like it ... it makes me think
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This sounds like a family vacation gone wrong. Like everyone being in such close proximity has made tempers flare while away in some fancy resort with "gorgeous ocean waves."
I like how Clashing! is its own line with exciting punctuation.
'Embers' is good word choice for something that was bright once but is almost gone, so it works for the happy home that isn't one anymore.
You have a handful of good ideas, but it seems like there isn't enough... stuff... here. Try beefing up your analogy a bit, or adding more details about what made the family dynamic come apart. It seems too vague as is.
I found you from the "Comments for All!" announcement. -
Not crappy! I really enjoyed reading this (: One or two spelling mistakes but apart from that, amazing XD
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This is not crappy. Its beautiful! I love the way this is worded, very relatable. The ending is pure genius! Keep penning
x
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NOT very crappy! i like it a lot, actually you've put a lot of imagery in this, even if YOU can't see it.
(my ship is unsinkable!!!!!!!)
(and i am not a punk
)
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