Coom sup wi' us

Ay oop. We were reet proud to be aksed to join "Coom sup wi' us" (t' Yarkshire telly version of poncy TV grub show, laik). After we'd cleared coal oout o' t' bath an' oonplooged t' lav after Grandad tried t' shoov a 9-inch turd doon a 5 inch 'ole), we were reet ready for woar guests, laik. The meal is served in froont of t' telly wi' Corrie Street playing non-stop on t' VHS. Smoking obligatorry, laik.

Aperrytieeff: A naice paint o' Samuel Smiths (halves for t' laidies). Accoompanied bah soom pork scratchings, 'n' a few ciggies, laik.

Starters: Rock Salmon Fish Cake Ah Lah Rotherham Slag 'eap. This is a reet posh dish: thah goes doon t' local chippie and gets soom fish 'n' chips, then thee mashes it all oop and mixes it oop wi' soom of Asdas own laibel HP brown sauce and thee forms the resooltant concockshun inta' little mini slag 'eaps. Serve on cut-up squares of last week's News of t' World fr added flavour, laik.

Mains: Traditional Yarkshire Roast Beef Balti. Te maik this, first thah goes doon t' Asdas an' get soom o' theyre beef TV dinners; then thah shooves 'em inter grand big pot and boils 'em fer a coopla hours, laik, shooving in a dooble portion o' extra-strong spud vindaloo from thah nearest Paki takeaway. Mash it ahll oop an' spread on thick-coot Mutha's Pride, spread wi' marge. Accoompanied bah a coopla paints o' Samuel Smiths extra strong lager for t' lads ('n' mebbe a naice glass o' sweet white wine for t' ladis, laik).

Afters: Patriotic Ice Cream 'Uddersfield Style.  This is summat new and reet trendy. Thah goes 'n' buys soom vanilla ice cream and scoops soom big loomps onter all thah guests' plates, laik. Boot first, thah hides soom peanoots inside each scoop. When tha guests croonch on them, thah sais: "Just laik t' B.N.P.: all white boot a few tough noots inside!" Reet gradely, that.

To end the evening (while watching Strictly Coom Dancing): Co-op 99 Tea wi' 6 spoons of shooger each an' a few ciggies (mebbe one o' them 'Amlet cigars fer t' lads).

Woar verdict: gradely.
Guests verdict: fookin' 'orrid, the c*nts.