Selfish

Hello, dear one. 
You are your usual, of course;
Selfish today.
Aren't you always?

I don’t usually bitch or complain.
God knows I’ve had reason but never do.
Today I will bleed backward until I have
Bled myself to death.

Sorry, no insurance.  No money for you,
No big-time bucks, no belongings,
Nothing worth your time to sweat over.
Your loss.  I don’t give a fuck, I’m DEAD.

I am only forty-six and yet I wish for death most of all.
Why not?  I’ve no comfort in your raising,
No comfort in the life I’ve been forced to lead,
No comfort in YOUR love or the love of any of mine.

My dreams are shattered.
My life has proven worthless.
I’ve nothing else, I’ve nothing,
Not even my self-respect.

I did things that I can never forgive myself,
Simply to feed you, simply to profit you and to
Raise you; praying that you all
Would have better than I could give you.

Drugs and sex, you are all whores;
Immoral and selfish and uncaring.
This world is only for you –
I am so sorry that I am wasting your oxygen.

“You’re stressing me, I have a baby
To think of, Mom, you’ll make me lose it” –
Well, DUHHH!  Am I so fucking
Stupid that I will take that blame as well?

I’m so ignorant that I know nothing
Of pregnancy and birth?

If you do, indeed, lose it –
That is none of my doing.
I refuse to take the blame for this,
In addition to all the other blame I have taken.

If you lose it, it will be because you REFUSE
To eat the foods it needs, you were doing METH and you
REFUSE to take one single measure of responsibility.
I didn’t do those drugs, nor do I fuck your lives without compunction.

News flash, children!  You are adults and
MORE than responsible for your actions now!
I had babies, too, and they were far more
Stressed with my abusive hubby than you will ever be.

At least you have a place to go (my place),
You have food and shelter (my place),
You have a semblance of normalcy (my place),
And you’ve no real worries.  I pay until I’m drowning.

Starving, drowning, helpless,
Losing my house, losing my e'er so simple LIFE,
Wishing desperately for death
And sick to death of your SELFISH shit.

You don’t give a cent to help.
Not an inch to help.
Not a shit for this new Hell.
You help only YOU.

I didn’t have shit to own, to lose, to belong to,
To go to for love and support.  I’ve no love, never had.
Lucky you, that you can be such a bitch
When I have given you more than I have to give.

And all you have to do is smile that smile,
Remind me of how I failed you,
Give me your rare honesty AND your constant blame -
And I will give until I am gutted.

Gutted like a stupid fish, its eyeballs
Straining, staring dead while
Its gills flap for air and it flops
Upon the tarp until the cut is done.

Just like the worthless house that I have
Found for us to live in. Gutted and useless. 
Like your love, your father's love -
My entire life, non-functional and superficial.

DUH!  I am such a fucking fool!

How did I raise such self-involved,
Neglectful and lazy children??

I want to be selfish today.
It’s far past my turn.
He almost beat you and both your brothers
Right out of me.

No stress there, even with
Police intervention.

And multiple doctor visits
While I bled-out.

GOD forbid that you load a dishwasher,
That you lift a hand while
We are gutting the only house we could find, have
Nowhere else to go. 

Then YOU, you sorry waste of air,
DARE to accuse ME of whoring,
DARE to call me foul names,
DARE to make me feel worse than I already lived??

Please don’t pack a box.

You might hurt yourself.

Forgive me if my losing yet ANOTHER house
And working my disabled self and hubby
Half to death, with so much to do and no way to do it -
Is stressing you. 

Do take a nap.
You do that so very well.