it's no better to view her
migrating seconds
and dresses
here nor there, for they behave
like single rain drops,
undulating like tiny birds,
splashing musky street light
shadows
across an old man's face.
wanting all the juice
of a morning synthesis,
taking the sky
down to it's very pip;
everything in this world,
reverting to
a lonely wasp,
lazily circling a muddy pool.
lazily stirring ghosts swallowed in sleep
to wake
and rattle her dusty chestnut trees
standing firm,
burning through the coldness.
not willing to put out
a burning building in mind:
compassing winter
through a child in hand
with another child.
notice, my face bleaching:
i stole the sun itself.
no single innocuous
star to blemish
views of the mulberry leaf
from above,
no single aboriginal pool
forming
where somebody
probably once stood;
where clothes were left behind.
In a list
A contest entry
- was supposed to "end after a few hours." by chloris.
400 points, ended September 29, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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Awesome!!
This is pretty excellent.I like your vocabulary; its very stimulating to the senses.
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Really cool poem. Lots of sharp turns of imagery which compliment the poem as it progresses.
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You always stun me with your metaphor and brilliance. This is more than gold worthy
C
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"small eyes of smoke"
--- to me you have taken this to the next stage... a step ahead from where the prompt left you. i mean it's definitely not obviously stated.
the title actually implies to forgetfulness and also the discerning poetic views. love it.
the first stanza shows the formation of poetry. to me, you speak of the poet(the dead body or the almost-there beings) and how there's a relevant parallel between what "she" sees and what she is.
the second stanza is so rich.. it absorbs the minds and takes to the details the poet observes and fill in her poetry.
"lazily circling a muddy pool.
lazily stirring ghosts swallowed in sleep" loved these. very tasty.
the first five lines of the third stanza actually shows how the poet controls and notcontrols her imgination.
"notice, my face bleaching:
i stole the sun itself." these probably shows how the speaker feels toward the poet and her poetry. or the speaker is just mentioning how the poet is capable of conveying/ portraying the delicate details of the speaker's state- he/she is "bleaching"/fading away also he/she is the same person who "stole the sunlight"(sunlight being the source which started the bleaching).
the last stanza gives "shape" to the title and a newer meaning- by listing the number of things those are "not better" for observation... the speaker actually portrays those and shows how those are significant for a poet's eyes.
i am glad you have not used the prompt in an "obvious" manner. and you explored from there. maybe? maybenot?
it does have the essence of Baudelaire. and thank you for entering.
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worth waiting for.
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your mind is very complex. i get different things out of this in a morning read, but it's still very dream-like in tone and flow. it drifts from one image to the next. i really, really love the last stanza.
cassidy -
it's no better to view her
migrating seconds
..
here nor there, ..
splashing musky street light
shadows
across an old man's face.
..
taking the sky
down to it's very pip;
everything in this world,
reverting to
a lonely wasp,
lazily circling a muddy pool.
my face bleaching:
i stole the sun itself.
..no single aboriginal pool
forming
where somebody
probably once stood;
where clothes were left behind.
im not sure i get it but i love it...the imagery was clear and beautiful esp a lonely wasp lazily circling a muddy pool, ....its a little like the blank betweens of a grief sad acceptance a lonely tone -loss and isolation
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i'm too tired to absorb the meaning of this right now so i'll come back when i have more energy. in the mean time i'm going to give you three clappies for an excellent atmosphere, because i'm not gonna lie, that's about all i can get out of this at the moment
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awesome
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