silver spit sparkles, rage's feral disguise
camouflaged beneath your organza-lashes;
layers of luminous, black honey draw flies.
phoenix-hearts fade from grey to auburn ashes;
the fragmented figments of faces erased
from past-lives not mine, the memory flashes.
i am a vital-organ, long-since replaced
by mechanical lungs, tumours quiescent
to all, except you, whose life I've so disgraced.
i smile, with the strength of a convalescent
your name, my disease; love's song evanescent.
Author notes
form: terza rima: a poem with an eleven syllable count in each line and a rhyming scheme of aba, bcb, cdc, dd.
prompt: from once friends... now strangers by Laura Lamarca:
"And so she sat
some distance away-
a mere mirage
in thought tunnels of dismay
as fingers failed upon ivory flames
and names diminished
in yesterday's hush."
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the way i speak, smile is one syllable; layers is two.
and as always, i had to pick the hardest bloody words to rhyme.
shred it.
In a list
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 6 by Laura Lamarca.
800 points, ended October 8, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Fluff is great, but it really doesn't help; honesty is the best policy.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Originality: 8/10
Creativity with prompts/form: 9/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
Flow/Meter/Syllables: 10/10
Cohesion: 5/5
Use of poetic device in general: 10/10
Poet's Emotion: 9/10
Reader's emotion: 9/10
Poet's personal effort: 10/10
Poem's "profound" level: 9/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 4/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Overall score: 108/115
An excellent Terza Rima. Mechanically, it works. I would have liked to see a bit more emotion and meat to this one, but I understand how difficult that is with such restrictive form. It takes some doing and to do with in a Terza Rima is no easy task.
I loved your complex rhyme and find your ability to use interesting language to do it brave and commendable. Kudos for that.
Not many can pull it off and you did.
All in all, a very good work - I enjoyed this very much. ~Pamela
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Anything with the words "convalescent" and "evanescent" in it is automatically shiny to me. However, since those were at the end of the poem, I feel I must clarify that I started liking this a long time before that.
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this safety-blanket ain't big enough for both of us.
I have no suggestions, other than my personal preferences.
I would have liked to seen you expand this a bit.
Originality: 10/10
Creativity with prompts/form: 8/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
Flow/Meter/Syllables: 10/10
Cohesion: 5/5
Use of poetic device in general: 10/10
Poet's Emotion: 9/10
Reader's emotion: 9/10
Poet's personal effort: 8/10
Poem's "profound" level: 9/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 4/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Overall score: 107/115
~Hettie
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L10 - the comma after "smile" is not required.
Originality: 10/10
Creativity with prompts/form: 8/10 (i feel you could've continued here and given more than just the one example of form)
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
Flow/Meter/Syllables: 10/10
Cohesion: 5/5
Use of poetic device in general: 10/10
Poet's Emotion: 9/10
Reader's emotion: 9/10
Poet's personal effort: 8/10
Poem's "profound" level: 10/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 4/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 108/115
laura.
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You may have picked difficult rhyming words, but you did it well
Convalescent/evanescent-- I'll have to make note of that one!
Nicely done,
Best wishes in the contest,
K
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Sorry. I forgot the three little guys.
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nicely worded. The extension of mechanical lungs to convalescent works well and the rhymes are complex.
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You should have more confidence in your ability as a writer. I know you hate forms, but you have chosen wisely grasshopper. The terza rima suits your style of writing since it is not dependent on meter. If I had one nit to pick it would be the overuse of hyphens. None of those words require hyphenization and it is more of a distraction than a help. I loved your choice of rhymes, complex and well developed. I think you should do well in this round. Good luck, Peace, Liz
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Excellent use of Alliteration
It dances on the tongue as I read over it with all the beats of the Alliteration throughout the poem. The flow and rhythm of this was very easy and on beat. One, personal pet peeve, the lack of capitalization. Irks me to no end
The form was done precisely in my opinion. The syllable count was perfect. They rhyme scheme was well developed and followed the structure that the form calls for. I do not see this a s terza-rima- fail.
Just an excellent Terza Rima.
I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
Tammy -
Excellently done and to me your syllable count is right on the money, your flow is great in this and although you picked unusual words to rhyme (I love to do the same thing) you did it very well. I dont see a thing wrong with this at this point.
I only had one pause and that was with"organza-lashes" what the hell are those?
Maybe it's a woman thing and I'm just clueless but I don't know what they are. 
Nice job on this... Scott
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I read this over a few times, the flow is amazing, I think that helps with the syllables and flow of rhyme. You mentioned you picked hard words to rhyme, I can hardly tell because you pulled it off so easily. What I always love about your poetry is the ability to make them beautiful even in the grittiest of words. Meaning the imagery is spot on and I think you took the prompt and ran with it, you gave it a new perspective and it worked.
From an outsider, if it wasn't stated as a form, I would hardly know. To me it reads so well, out loud or inside. I loved it.
p.s I can't help you with syllables, sorry. If I tried, I'd prob be wrong anyway.
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Ah come on now
You got room for lil' ol' me , storm
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