~
A mystery in your brown eyes
tells me to take infinite tries.
The curves of your lips promise me
I’m doing something correctly;
don’t break this if the vines are lies.
They wrap themselves around my thighs
and reach below the ground’s goodbyes,
but your long arms hold me closely -
a mystery.
I feel for you though heart denies
walls are webbed by touch’s devise.
If I know I’m secure mostly,
will green surround me completely?
What happened behind building I?
A mystery.
~
Luminous hints shine beyond clouds,
spotlights upon its cheering crowds.
Friends are rooting for us to succeed;
we trip and fall and foul to bleed,
but band’s beats are blaring too loud.
Outsiders bring us up and down.
We pass and fail yet still we’re proud.
Break into sprints and soon they‘ll see
luminous hints.
Through the opposition, we plowed.
Despite the broken rules, we wowed.
We watched them lose with prior creeds,
celebrate scores of new beliefs.
High school fades and future allows
luminous hints.
~
To know answers became our game,
but sometimes I'd forget your name.
Fights broke out and my arms were bruised;
so I traced time to find the truth,
not sure of who I should've blamed.
My love for you remained the same,
just needed to better my aim.
Which side to shoot, I had to choose -
to know answers.
A wildcard that I had to tame,
you hated when I would complain;
but flashbacks asked what’s there to lose
if silence leaves me without clues?
And so I learned to accept change…
to know answers.
~
Author notes
A Rondeau is a French form, 15 lines long, consisting of three stanzas: a quintet, a quatrain, and a sestet with a rhyme scheme as follows: aabba aabR aabbaR. Lines 9 and 15 are short - a refrain (R) consisting of a phrase taken from line one. The other lines are longer (but all of the same metrical length).
Prompt: By Hetha
"I became an inconvenient convenience-
a hindrance to your exploits,
yet you willfully took harbor
beneath what was left of my naivety."
- http://allpoetry.com/poem/5142757
It made me think of how people take advantage of other people's naivete.
I'm not sure if I like this.
A contest entry
- The Ultimate La-La Challenge: Round 6 by Laura Lamarca.
800 points, ended October 8, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comment por favor.
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Originality: 10/10
Creativity with prompts/form: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 9/10
Flow/Meter/Syllables: 8/10
Cohesion: 4/5
Use of poetic device in general: 10/10
Poet's Emotion: 9/10
Reader's emotion: 9/10
Poet's personal effort: 9/10
Poem's "profound" level: 7/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 5/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Overall Score: 105/115
I think you have used the form very well to your given prompt, and I loved your use and experimentation with more complex rhyme. Visually this poem works quite well and allows the reader insight to the unveiling of personal growth. Your story is well told but there were lines that could have been smoothed some for a better effect and an easier read.
Examples:
(R1 L11)
**touch builds each wall through webbed disguise
(R2 L3,L4,L5)
** friends will root for us to succeed
** we trip, we fall, and foul to bleed
** while our band's beats will blare too loud
(R2 L10, L11)
** through opposition's fields we plowed
** despite each broken rule we wowed
(R3 L11)
** you hated it when I'd complain
Just some examples - over all I think you have handled the form well. Though it may appear to be an easy form, Rondeau is not as it takes a lot to make the meter flow, especially with those short lines that need to impact to have merit in the poem. You definitely worked those lines to your advantage. Quite well done.
Over all a very pleasing read. I enjoyed this very much. ~Pamela
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I won't bother you by putting my favourite bits in. It's half the poem. XD
But I did particularly like the latter half of the first bit... "first bit" meaning before the first ~... Oh, I'm rubbish at this. I don't know what anything's called in this form. XD
You know what I mean, yeah?
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Building I (Triple Rondeau)
I saw this as progressional Rondeau.
Rondeau 1: felt a bit experimental and conversational. The rhyme wasn't
that strong. In particular the "ly" rhymes. L5 felt it was placed there to fill in the rhyme.
Your balance of imagery until L10, I felt didn't carry your signature as a poet,
but in L10 you pick it up a bit and L10 and L11 I felt
were worked well. Those were my favorite lines out of the piece.
In Rondeau 2: You start strong, and I almost wanted to get up and cheer you on myself.
Your rhymes grow stronger, and particularly, L4 and L5 your consonance and
alliterative subtleties add strength and depth. They work here and carry your rhymes.
You continue bringing this forth throughout, and it added also a subtle rhythm
that made it flow very well.
In Rondeau 3: You nailed it! Strength, voice, emotion, this is where I found it.
Originality: 9/10
Creativity with prompts/form: 10/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 9/10(R1)
Flow/Meter/Syllables: 9/10(R1)
Cohesion: 4/5(R1)
Use of poetic device in general: 9/10(R2-improves;R3-great!)
Poet's Emotion: 10/10
Reader's emotion: 9/10
Poet's personal effort: 9/10
Poem's "profound" level: 9/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 4/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Overall Score: 106/115
~Hettie
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1st Rondeau:
This read like conversation, rather than poetry & i believe that is because of the "ly" end-rhyme - i just don't feel it was a strong enough choice for this particular form. i felt a certain timidity, an almost fearful approach to the form itself and its confines. I feel you begin to find your confidence and voice by L10...
2nd Rondeau:
You've stepped away from pedestrian rhyme here and gone for something more daring. "oud" & "eed" share a subtle consonance & so the rhymes work well together. You've also injected some solid imageries & found your confidence within the form.
3rd Rondeau:
i found "Tyler" here.
Originality: 9/10
Creativity with prompts/form: 9/10
Balance of abstraction/imagery: 10/10
Flow/Meter/Syllables: 9/10 (R1's start was slow)
Cohesion: 5/5
Use of poetic device in general: 10/10
Poet's Emotion: 10/10
Reader's emotion: 9/10
Poet's personal effort: 9/10
Poem's "profound" level: 9/10
Rules followed: 5/5
Extra credit points:
Sportsmanship to fellow competitors: 5/5
Points for stepping away from comfort zone: 4/5
Respectful behaviour towards judges at all times: 5/5
Total score: 108/115
laura.
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Yeah the first one could use some improvement. I really liked how the middle stanza of the first rondeau sounded - when I read it aloud, it sounds really cool, almost lyrical. The problem is that I couldn't find the right rhyming words to articulate what I wanted to say - when it came to the "ly" words anyway.
Thanks.
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ambitious, well-written and forms an emotional connection. The casual rather than formal nature of the wording is appropriate for the setting.
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You are a talented poet and seem to be more comfortable with structure and form. I could hear your voice in this poem and as high school is an intimate part of my life too, I could relate to what I see everyday. There are only a couple of places where I feel the wording could be strengthened. It goes without saying that I am merely a peer, not a judge, so my opinion carries only the weight of my preferences.
"feeling for you through heart’s denies." Since the proper word would be denial I thought you forced the rhyme here. I think it would sound better as "feeling for you though heart denies." (though not through)
"it was something I got used to." I would prefer to see "...used" as the last syllable because you really shouldn't end a line on a preposition, and it also throws the rhyme off a little. I think "abused" would be great there...."my sympathies had been abused" or something like that.
"but some things are worth the peruse" sounds awkward because you are substituting a verb for a noun (perusal is the noun). This might be a good place for "amuse"...."but things were done just to amuse when lover's bonds became too loose?"
Good luck in this round. I know you will do well. Peace, Liz
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Thanks Liz, I made some edits. What do you think of them?
Thanks for the help.
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When you include the word "use" as a noun it is pronounced yoos and does not have the "z" sound that truly rhymes with lose and choose. It depends on how particular you are about true rhyming sounds because the content is sound.
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You're right. I didn't even realize.
In the last stanza, I changed line four and one word in line five.
A wildcard that I had to tame,
you hated when I would complain;
but flashbacks asked what’s there to lose
if silence left me without clues?
And so I learned to accept change…
to know answers.
Thanks for all of the help, seriously.
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I'm a small stickler for it - but you have prompt in AN just note Credit for whom
It starts of brilliantly [the first quintent], reads fluently - as well as the end Rondeau [just amazing]. I think the repetitiveness in the first two stands out a lot, I think it may be because the completeness of them doesn't read as strong as the last.
Reading it separately, I found it written well and had unique castings within but something just didn't hit my spot, but I think in all fairness, it might just be the form.
I did find this a lot different to your usual that I have read in this competition though..
That last comment is not intended to be insult or praise. It's just very different.
BUT WAIT~!
I read this again; then I read aloud.
Both after that comment above ^ and I was going to erase the comment but wanted to leave both perspectives here.
The rhyme is spot on - the simple ideas brought out uniquely. I found the true impact of this upon reading it again. Perhaps my own mind needed to feel with the flow and read it numerous times to allow that to happen.
But on second critique, haha, yes, I blabble a lot..., but I loved it. It is sure and I didn't notice the repeats at end were at start til second read. I think you pulled this off brilliantly.
From a person who has a serious distaste in repetitiveness, I think you made it not so obvious, it's still there and it works well but its not like that song in your head that you just can't shut up.
GAH!
I tried
I don't even know if I make sense.
Was just a thought process above.
*goes away now*
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Yeah, this one I captured the realism in a realistic setting instead of a surrealistic. It's located at my second home: high school. It's an important part of my life, so I thought I needed to write a poem about it here.
As for the prompt credit, thanks for pointing that out. It's a pet peeve of mine too. This time, I didn't even realize. The credit is there now though.
I wish I had a good camera or webcam - or something, so that I could post a video of myself reading this with the way I talk. People will be able to see how it flows. Of course, how it flows on written text is just as important. That's the tricky part.
I'm glad you liked it though, despite the initial doubts for some things.
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You and your freakin' talent again. Seriously, where's mine?
Between this and X-Factor, I don't know how I haven't suicided yet' I realize 'suicided' isn't a word... I made it up. 
"don’t break this if the vines are lies..."= loveloveL♥VE!
I hate the form. But your poem is beautiful.
good luck!
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.
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