Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Hallway Mis-hap

I saw you
in the middle of the hall
surrounded by people
rushing to leave.

I don't know why
you stood out,
why you caught my interest
on my way through.

I tried to catch your eye
but you turned the other way,
I reached out to touch you
but you walked right by.

You didn't even see me
and I haven't seen you since.

 

Author notes

This actually happened last week, sad day...

I tried to create the feeling of an abrupt end, did that convey?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Undetectable
    November 9

    Edit | Reply
    Typo on line 12: tough/touch

    To answer your question, no, actually that closes pretty calmly. The last two stanzas follow a pattern of ' ABC \ but XYZ' (though it's an 'and' in the last one). So it actually lines up together well. I think you'd want to maybe add to that last stanza with the same pattern, then start a new stanza (an incomplete one), and don't finish the last sentence. Or maybe you could end it at 'I reached out to touch you \ but...'

    I don't know, but as it is the last line clearly puts an end to the story you're telling. But overall, I like this style of poetry, and the way it is presented.