My thought contorted, twisting
grasping at frail ideas of change,
dying in their moment of conception.
Sightless obsessions paced in rigid circles
draped in whispers of self-doubt
that gnawed at the canvas of existence.
In the corners I saw him waiting
robed in deepest shadow.
He reached between the grey reflections,
hands of pale ivory
laid their cool touch upon my thoughts;
unlocked the dark room of my mind.
Author notes
I had to write a poem on Mental Health and chose suicide as a relevant topic but had a lot of trouble writing this. Any comments are very welcome.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I liked this very much, I must agree with one comment though, that the first and second stanza ought to be switched. For some reason the second and third line give me this image of roots of a plant shown on a video that had been sped up a great deal, the roots unfurling, growing out, then withering. I thought it was rather impressive.
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I really enjoyed this piece! These lines were my favourite -
"My thought contorted, twisting
grasping at frail ideas of change,
dying in their moment of conception."
This might sound odd - and forgive me if it offends, that's not my intention! But I think this would be a stronger write if you switched the stanzas... lead with the one that you currently have second, and closed with the one you currently have first. I'm not sure why... but I think that the first stanza is stronger, and it left me with a stronger sense of emotion than the second. But that's just my opinion!
Regardless - I really enjoyed this piece. Thanks for sharing it!
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I definitely don't take offense to your suggestions and critique. I'm really glad you enjoyed this and I can see what you mean by the first stanza being so much stronger. It's funny you mention it because I found that one almost wrote itself whereas the second stanza gave me heaps of trouble. Thanks for your comments.
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Thank you all for your comments, they have been extremely helpful. I had a line limit of 12 which I found hard to fit my thoughts into. It can be a hard subject not to get cliched about when speaking directly but it sounds like I went way too ambiguous. I wondered about using punctuation and I can see that it would have been helpful in giving this some clarity. Thank you again for your suggestions, you've given me a lot to think about.
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Could, perhaps, achieve more
A more explicatory title would help. The syntax makes it look as if "Thought" was the subject of the first stanza at least. Omitting punctuation doesn't give you any plausible or useful flexibiliity. It's better, in my opinion at least, to be brave and make it quite clear what you mean. Quite a lot of unexplained arbitrariness. Why, for example hands of "pale ivory" Reminiscent of Shalimar? -
Other than a posible mispelling this needs no revision. It is perfect. A really well done write, one of the best I've read lately. Here I want you to check and see if mispelled.>>paced in rigid circles I think you meant PLACED Thanks for allowing me to read this fine work. Rose
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I really enjoyed reading your work.Also,great job on the first stanza.Mental Health is a hard subject to write on,but i think you did a wonderful job.My only tip is maybe some revision on the second stanza.Other than that great poem!
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rather abstract ideas, hard to visualize. What thoughts even (thought that would still be abstract
) better to imagine it as a real situation somehow.
seeing shadows in the darkness, shadows that become people - dying in their moment of conception. my sightless obsessions pacing
rigid circles draping the room
gnawing the canvas of existence (kinda cliche or some awkwardness at the end, not sure how to rephrase, hmm)
very great work with visual images in the 2nd stanza.
didnt feel like the thought was completed at the end of the poem, though i loved where it was going.
what did it unlock? how did you feel differently? How does knowing that people have these depressive tendancies, that any of us could 'lose it' at any time, make you feel? These sad examples of humanity gone awry, and the secret hope that their lives will improve, certainly before such a drastic approach as suicide.
perhaps meaphoraize suicide as the ultime darkness or winter is another common theme. Or silence, emptyness, un-doing. how does the unraveling of reality result in the un-doing of everything that made a person? Does their mother still remember them, did they leave a residue upon the world?
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I just got your message, and I thought I would comment on the poem itself now.
Keep the "him." Now that you explained the poem to me, I see better where you were going with this.
My suggestion is this then: Add one more stanza in the middle. Just give it a try. Extend the metaphor, or add one ominous detail that is a less subtle give away (maybe some allusion to a note, or released goodbye, a note, something). You may not end up keeping it, but it might help when approaching the rest of the text.
My other suggestion is, put this aside for a little. Try and write ABOUT someone or some experience. It's difficult, but you may find inspiration for this piece in writing another.
When it comes to your explanation of the confusion... you made a point... but you also mentioned "no other alternative." This is confusing. I would recommend skipping the ambiguity and giving into this feeling of having to. It's what has to be done. It's a release from pain and an obligation. Try to stick with this, you seem to understand it.
Anyway, if you have any other questions or comments, please feel free to message me or stop by my page. I'm looking forward to seeing what direction this piece takes. -
Lovely poem... but don't see it
This doesn't strike me as suicide. It seems more like a poem of some sort of confusion. And the "him" is uncertain. Other than "cool thoughts," it's really difficult to see. If you can tell me exactly what certain lines were meant to signify, I would love to help you from there. This is a very brave and difficult topic to take on!
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