So you're starting to see
What his love did to me
He's found someone new to pull his weight
Maybe this one will succeed
So you're starting to think
"What happened to me?"
Your soul is torn now
And you're starting to bleed
Oh the rose has her thorns
But thorns won't kill frost
Left outside, in the snow
Watch her petals fall
And her petals fall
How you tried to believe
His love was where it wasn't
He didn't leave it with me
I had more than my dozen
Child I've been where you are
Your pain was my own
I had to be the one who walked away
Leaving him all alone
I met him where he is now
And brought him back to where he started
Nothing much has changed
Except the color he wanted
And her petals fade
Welcome to the club
I pass you my old pain
It's all yours to hold
And to frequent in vain
Is it enough yet to be jealous
You still hold him as precious
As he is carried in another's arms
You'll learn the lessons I had
When the fallen blossoms fade
And you renew your name
Your flowers bud anew
To bloom another pain
And her thorns thicken
Author notes
I'm still in the process of editing this. I had a tune in my head, so I've been pouring lyrics and lines out...but the rhythm and structure in this poem is so off...any suggestions?
*Edit* I've been laboring over this poem for days, and I finally decided to give it a name and come what may.
I'll still welcome any suggestions, though.
*Edited edit* lol Alright I think I'm done now.
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Please let me know what you think of this.
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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i loved it especially the comparison to a rose all the way through, but i was thinking - maybe at some point, you could introduce the idea of "he loves me, he loves me not" just an idea haha
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Hmm that's a good idea. That might actually be another poem I could write later, too...
Thank you!
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Ooo good ending! I like the way the poem is set out with the verses, its effective and more powerful. I have to say, you have such a good rhyme in places to it, just seems so natural, so once you re-edit and and have the poem fully flow it will be great. Anyway, A gloomy poem, with some nice mapaphors! Well written. I enjoyed the read
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Thanks for the compliment! It's good to know I'm not the only one who likes my work lol.
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her petals fall ... i really liked that, you might want to repeat that somewhere, or another form of it, "Until her blossom fades" or something--- in some way a prediction for the future, --- that idea of color is nice too... a lot to like here, i would not change much, i agree it has a rhythm...PK
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Your input is always welcome and very much appreciated. Thank you!
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