winter: my brother, my best friend
ask me
if I regret your fist or
the way roads course from
the creases
of your veins;
your arms fold like curtains
and I want
closure
yet you've failed to burn the fence
it is distance
that appears red and blotchy
on my neck,
marking me like a world map
where you and I
are simple freckles
but I wrapped my body
as a scarf
to hide it from the sun
so you could fade
and I could kiss winter
instead
of a blurry tongue
that spoke nothing
but slang
thinking I would envy your words
how they come one
after another
like ants from your
schizophrenic mouth
but I just hated how
you had the forest
in the same old lines,
how they guided us on drunken nights
when moonlight
would hardly suffice
to the creek
where bare flesh met humidity:
water cleansed
and seemed to understand
Author notes
i haven't screamed alone for a very long time. today I lost my voice after you called.
A contest entry
- Introspection: a series -- Round 2 by unraveled.
700 points, ended October 1, 11 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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ummm your vocabulary = love.
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i love this.
peace to all ~flight
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content/creativity- 39
execution/form- 36
cohesion/balance- 18
total: 93
A few critique notes:
The first stanza I had difficulty in creating a visual picture, with roads coursing from veins but the arms are closed. I pictured the veins on the forearms which would make the roads coursing inward, this may just be my association of veins with forearms.
Last two stanzas both started with 'but'. 'But' makes your poetry flow wonderfully, I think the second one did better because it makes the reader revert so far into the poem, like 'within all this depth, there is a limit' feel.
"I could kiss winter instead of a blurry tongue that spoke nothing but slang"- LOVE IT.
"where bare flesh met humidity:
water cleansed
and seemed to understand"
I got a sort-of paradox out of this. It seemed to hint you were not alone while bathing in the creek- because 'they guided us', yet the emotions of the last few lines seem to represent the solitude of your author's notes. Maybe it is a creek that understands all, absorbs it, and makes you lose yourself in the moment and the peace.
I liked this. It is very strong. And I hope you feel better...
Cassidy -
You feed my jealousy like a Victoria's Secret model plumps the envy of a fat girl who can't refrain from a tub of Ben & Jerry's; I seem to stay ugly while you're always gorgeous.
"ask me
if I regret your fist or"
"your arms fold like curtains"
Good grieffff, you are so good JP
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You are so gonna win this. I love it when you post. This is amazing, great, talented, brilliant poetry here.
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sometimes i want to hug you. alas, the internet. my psychiatrist tells me it's good to know people i want to hug, so i suppose i am very glad to know you, hug or not.
no one writes so beautifully. no one says the things you do.
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hm.
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i'm with Kathleen, what a pleasure it always is to read your poetry.
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This moved me in its entirety.
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your an seem so painful. i know how it feels to need to scream.
i wait for your poetry - you don't write as often as my other favourites, so it's like one of those once-a-month cinema visits, when you get them, they're pretty damn good.
this was absolutely wonderful.
last two lines were stunning.
chin up,
swim.x
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you always leave the most amazing comments, thank you love
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