Under the stars of Samhain eve,
i lied with you and drank white wine.
It trickled quietly down your lips,
i saw it in the candle fire,
i saw it in the moon's white beam.
You are of those whose magic's charms don't see
yet you walked uphill with me barefoot
and started teasing my skin with tongue and hands.
Only, it was so thin that as you were inside already it felt.
What did you say that made me laugh so clear?
My crown of leaves fell on the dusty ground
only it was invisible to you as were the stars dancing.
Oh you didn't see the moon change colours.
green.blue.red.yellow.purple, and then vanish.
You didn't see through the smoke of your cigarette
but you saw my face enraptured, fervent.
Another sip of wine and your insatiable pull had me rolling
on earth and water (when did rain had started really? )
And we rolled until the world stopped spinning
and in that moment your body forceful over mine, your hands over my hands.
You ask me, my muse, if i moved? If i tried to escape?
Oh funny that you are, the slightest move i did not make.
And my breath would i hold had my heart not turned into a drum.
And right then, right there, on october grass
you took me by my will, you stripped me naked
with hands gripping my hips you entered me.
And it was ravishing and divine
and for a tear in time it was human too and tender
stroking my heart as it had ridden my desire.
Author notes
A contest entry
- Your life in poetry by catstar.
400 points, ended September 28, 55 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - ♥Sensual Fantasies (18+ :P)♥ by zee91190.
800 points, ended November 12, 62 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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The title of the poem is amazing I must say. It makes one curious as to what the story behind it may be. And the story didnt dissapoint me either. It is well written and shows the effort you must have put in while writing it.
However, I suggest you pay particular attention to tenses, as I felt them go off in many places. Such as in L2 for instance "i lied with you and drank white wine."
To "lie" could either mean to place in a prostrate position or to say an untruth. I think the past tense of the first case should be lay or laid. Lied however is the past tense of the latter case. I could of course be wrong, grammar surprises even the ones who think they know it the best. But perhaps you and I can take a look at it and clear this confusion
. Apart from that I absolutely loved your poem. It was totally worth the 3-4 minutes I spent reading it. Thank you for sharing such a creative piece.
All the best
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Pagan
references intrigue me, but the title drew me in-itially. Cleverly sweet phrasing stroked my mind and rode my attention.
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I like the title. It does not reveal anything about what is to come and so your story draws you in as it unfolds because you are not expecting it. The border is fits the mood of the poem which caught my attention and kept me enthrolled till its end. I really enjoyed this. Thank you for sharing it and thank you for entering my contest. Good luck.
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Samhain,
that most holy of days, many ignore the simple power of the eve. What happens on the eve seems to always bear great import on the day in question itself. However, there is nothing within this to suggest that it could not have been any other eve of the year. I would ask why the distinction at the start? It is a good write, the senses lost in the contact, oblivious to all that surrounds.
Peace
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Not always my type of poem, but this was a good write. I especially liked your use of the word "Samhain" because its creative. To me, it didn't feel off. And you asked for comments on the color, I liked how readable it was.
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sensual moonlit encounter
like this poem which is very different from the dark poets I usually read. agree with tessa poetry below re: the rain line - a bit jerky maybe rewrite or omit. otherwise like how you set the scene, introduced the lover and let the rest roll out sensually through your mix of scene and feelings. cool poem.
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The title is what prompted me to read your poem
I loved it, but I wouldn't put it in dark background. I would try something lighter with feelings. Great imagery for the first time it was divine. good job I liked this very much, but I don't think that I would add "when did the rain started really" it seems out of context and doesn't really fit in the poem.. good job, again. have a good day.
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