Bitter draping curtain of lost love
Still unable to see in the distance, the faith once held dear
Cardinal betrayal, humanity seeming to be the enemy
A heart worn as clothing for the world to see, for the world to tarnish and shred
A prominent pure like soul
Wanting to be loved in a world where love fades the more one loves
Searching within, consulting with the creator, hearing nothing in return
Perhaps not listening, maybe having lost the trust of the alpha
Rain drops trickle, winds grace the skies
A subtle sigh, a feeling of lost choices
Like a petal in the wind
Once served a purpose, now on a journey, disconnected from ones origin
Flowing with fate, not truly having a say so in matters of life's stream
Charged with challenges, as if by a book, a script, written before time
A texture like brimstone, heart like ember
Warm glowing remains of passion, of a dying fire
Within exist hope, however, incarcerated by deceit
How to release the pain, and hold to bliss?
Though to feel ignored and forgotten
Continue to hold to faith...... love will come..........
Author notes
For Contest Purposes: 17. "Everything is eclipsed by the shape of destiny." -- "No One Would Riot for Less" by Bright Eyes.
In a list
A contest entry
- Prompt Contest (B-4) by OhNoChastity.
1050 points, ended November 3, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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I think you captured the prompt really well. You showed exactly what the prompt asked for but you were also very creative. I amend you for that. You really took someone else's creativity and used it not as a the spinal cord of your piece, but to inspire your own. That is what I wanted to see.
I would suggest not capitalising the beginning of each line. Do not be afraid to get creative with the format of the poem as well as with the words. Don't let it lock you in. Capitalising the beginning of each line locks a reader in and can be distracting.
For the line "Wanting to be loved in a world where love fades the more one loves" something needs to be done. This was a line that struck a lot of emotion in me, however, the word loved is repeated too much and it sort of sends my head into a frenzy. I would suggest working on that a little bit. Also, you say "like a pedal in the wind" and I'm going to assume you meant petal?
Your use of imagery is great. I found it enthralling and each line spoke for itself. I also love your use of metaphor. Your metaphors are strong, and although they stand on their own, this piece does not involve logarithms to decipher the meaning. This piece addresses some interesting points, especially in the last line. If you believe in destiny the love will come your way. What about those who are lonely who don't believe in destiny? =( I do like the optimism at the end of the poem however.
This was a really good poem and thank you so much for entering. I hope to read more from you.
-Jen -
This is truly amazing. Great Job
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If this is really pending, I see it as love goes on and on, in everything, situation and around us, you captured the emotions, even the solutions, teh ending is subperb. Excellent. Blessings.
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Pending no more
No longer pending!!! Decided to leave it as is, thank you for your comment, greatly appreciated.
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