Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Every Dream Whittled down

Every dream I ever had was beautiful bright
full of every color of the sun and the moon
Combined together into lovely pieces;
Smiles forming and hands holding, clasped

 

Every dream was nurtured with such love

Every dream dreamt up with such care,

Charisma in every one of my heartbeats

It grew from the waters of my heart, soul

 

These dreams are made of purest thought

My eyes like deep,rounded, crystal puddles

reflecting the whole world within their depths

Drawing forth, dreaming up giant Sequoyas'

 

Calling to the forests of dream-lands beyond

Beyond space, beyond time, and even reason

They grew taller and taller, but suddenly; CHOP!

CHOP!CHOP!CHOP!The man chopped one down

 

One dream fell to the ground with a giant CRACK!

Then another and another...all of the dreams lost

Hanging by mere threads of roots still left in ground

The poor little dreams were whittled far down...

 

All that is left of my dreams is small little carvings,

Small little pieces of wood and bark chipped together

trying to re-build a tree from broken limbs and roots

Foundations gone, my eyes sparkles diminishing too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

15. "Now every dream gets whittled down." -- "Middleman" by Bright Eyes.

A contest entry

first impression?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

  • OhNoChastity
    November 9

    Edit | Reply
    I'd have to say you captured every aspect of the prompt. You definitely took it and expanded upon it, leaving out no part. Thank you, I can tell you read the rules. =) However, although you did this, I would've loved to have seen just a bit more creativity. I think there could've been a lot more written about this, even if you had given an example of a dream that slowly gets shaved away. It's almost like you just extended the prompt.

    There are a couple of things that I questioned with this poem. In the first stanza you say "full of every color of the sun and the moon". This SOUNDS good, but the sun and the moon really have about two colours, so if you're trying to show a large spectrum you might want to make different comparisons. Another thing that I questioned was in the fourth stanza where you say "The man chopped one down." Who is this man and where did he come from? There is no other reference to this man. I would suggest either expanding on who this man is or simply saying "A Sequoya was chopped down." Also, I would not capitalise every line. No poem needs to be locked in such a traditional format.

    I love the extended metaphor you used of the trees being carved into statues. There is a strong vision here. I also love the use of sound devices like CHOP and CRACK. I rarely see writers use this, and it's such a wonderful device. I LOVE the reference to the giant Sequoyas. This truly showed the magnificence of your dreams before they were chopped down by life.

    My favourite line in this piece would have to be "These dreams are made of the purest thought". This struck some thought in me and I realise those big dreams are, because the innocent and wild dreams are those of a child. It is life that jades us and whittles our dreams.

    Thank you so much for entering and allowing me to read such a wonderful piece. I hope to read more from you!

    -Jen

    My favourite line in th


    • Beverlynohime
      November 16
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you. The man is anyone who hurts our dreams or brings us down btw. I didn't share a specific dream because I wanted everyone to relate no matter what their dream/dreams are. The sun and moon have many colors we cannot see wit the naked eye.
      I'm glad you enjoyed my piece though I am sorry it was not as creative as you would've liked.
      Thank you for your comment and taking the time to read this. I really enjoyed writing it for your contest.


  • DragonBlue gold member
    November 5

    Edit | Reply

    Standing Ovation!

    Unfortunately your dreams are not the only ones that are whittled down to nothing, or as in my favorite stanza of your write:

    "All that is left of my dreams is small little carvings,
    Small little pieces of wood and bark chipped together
    trying to re-build a tree from broken limbs and roots
    Foundations gone, my eyes sparkles diminishing too."

    That light that nearly glows from one's eyes diminishes. However, don't let them take the light, as they could not handle it anyway. It will discinigrate their flesh for they cannot take it, they must earn it. Hold on to that part of you as your dreams will be realized in one of your life times. Remember that time is the fourth dimension.

    Blessed BE~
    )O(
    DragonBlue


    • Beverlynohime
      November 5
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you so much for your wonderful comment! I truly appreciate it. I like how you got so much from this piece as was intended. ^_____^ I will try not to let ppl take the light. ^_^ Thanks Again!
      <3 Beverly