Is this how my life should be....
Sitting here alone without you
By my side? Being free from your
Treacherous hold on me, not
Worrying about when you''ll latch
Out at me again in hate?
Should I be happy that you left
After our night of play or should
I feel depressed because you left
Without a single kiss or note goodbye?
Is this really how life's going to be now?
Am I going to wake up everyday without
Wondering if this day is going to be my last?
Without wondering if you''ll be the one to take
Me out and send me straight to the sky.
Never having to cry myself to sleep.
Is this my future........
Being without you to do me wrong
Making my life like a sad love song?
Praying to God to send me an angel
To smite this demon I call my true love
As I cry joyously from above?
If that's my future....then I hope it come soon.
A contest entry
- Title Prompt; Why not? by WarrioroftheHeart.
1050 points, ended October 5, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
Heartbreak, is that the future? Only should you want for it to be.
Advice comes redily to a reader's mind when reading this poem, yet any and all of it is pointless and irrelevant, that is also gleaned from the reading.
Your use of enjambement and caesura prefaces a depth of meaning to the write but with out stanza breaks, clear spaces to pause and reflect upon what is written, it makes it hard to see anything but the surface expression. That expression; cyclic sadness overwhelming, resolving with a desire for vengeance(?) or restitution delivered to you from another's action and responsibility?
Aside from lacking a clear segmentation of ideas and concepts, there is little I can suggest to improve the technical merit of the piece, a few plurals missed, the use of " where ' should be (note on your use of you"ll) and... should the word 'latch' in line five be 'lash'?..nothing really major or vital.
You took the prompt in a direction that meant something to you and that is good but, honestly, I feel when I read this that I have read it many times before, penned by many different hands in nearly exactly the same way. I felt this write lacked your own personal and unique creativity and, more than anything, that is what most let down this write.
You can, and you will, do better; your use of words and your phrasing structure present solid mental pictures of the feelings and images you wish to portray and you present a good narative connection between those images, it is just that the entirety of the picture you presented seemed two dimensional or without depth
Still, I had little difficulty in following the flow of the write and it did not pain me to concentrate upon the reading, these are good things. I wish you well in the contest and all of the best of wishes for your future writing.
Adrian.
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