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Take It All

I would take every staggered breathe
All your stumbles and the falls
The pain you feel, I'll take it all

Let me confess to you now, I'm all you'll ever need
Come adjoing, so I can reveal my devotion

This you must know, the Love I feel

Anything you've got, just consign to me
No matter the detriments, this I will accept
Within your dark, I'll bring in my light
Don't forsake me, for that I can not bear

Your heartbeats, they linger in my concious
Every cadence left imprinted amid my memory

Let me acquaint you with my adulation

I would take every staggered breathe
All your stumbles and the falls
The pain you feel, I'll take it all
I'll take it all...

You know, I'll take it all

Author notes

I've been a little lacking in the proper words to express what I want and feel. Hopefully this gets the point across a bit =))

 

Ugh, I wish the person I write these poems about would realize some of the things I'm saying..... ♥

 

So, what do ya think?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • weathergirl123
    October 1

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    Sweet as sugar

    I can tell that whoever this is, you really love them? Have you showed it to that person? They'd be moved. I was.

  • humble1
    September 23

    Edit | Reply

    well i liked it

    reading the other comment-i didnt even notice any spelling errors-but spelling isnt my strong point either lol...i felt the gentleness in your voice and why on earth this guy cant realise what you say is beyond me-but most of the time it seems like men come from a different planet and need things spelling out really clearly....good luck my friend and keep writing you do have a great way with words


  • ShawnG
    September 22

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    This sounds to me like Jesus is the speaker of this poem, but it could be taken as simply a righteous, or a good friend, person narrating. This was a lovely poem with excellent word choices (wholly original). I could read this thing several times through and glean a different meaning every time, which i love! Fantastic write... and keep them coming!


  • silverscent gold member
    September 22

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    I'll back up what tiggercline said, if the incorrect usage of words and spelling was corrected this would be a decent piece.
    I think it uses a straightforward and to the point tone which coupled with the message makes it an effective piece.

    I'm not going to lie and say it's the most fantastic poem I've every read, because it's not, but it's a good start and with some of the errors and word choice improved and redrafted it could be even better.

    Thanks for sharing


  • tiggercline
    September 21

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    I liked the word choice but I think some of the words that you used, you may have used them a bit incorrectly and there were a few spelling errors.

    There is definitely some great potential here, and I like the idea but it could use a bit of revision.

1 - 5 of 5