While at the bar with Buck and Scooter,
Bud brung in this old computer.
We turned it on and sat a spell,
It hissed and moaned, then WHAT THE HELL?
This chick (and you could see her cooter!),
Was sucking on her OWN DAMN HOOTER!
For 'bout the next eight hours or so,
Ol' Buck put on this naked show.
I swear to you the stuff we saw
Ain't legal here in Arkansas.
They did it fast, they did it slow,
We cried when it was time to go.
Woke up when daylight lit the skies,
I threw together some supplies.
And with my home-grown in a sack,
I drove on down to Radio Shack.
Round here, it comes as no surprise,
What several pounds of reefer buys.
I took my laptop from it's box
And in my underwear and socks
I gave the mouse a zillion clicks
But didn't find no naked chicks
No strippers stripping off their smocks
No ladies riding big old cocks
Next morning, I got my first clue,
A message told me what to do
The cause behind my moaning, pissing -
It seems that there was updates missing!
I cackled, grinned, spit out my chew,
I clicked - that's when my screen turned blue
I waited 'round, just drinkin', smokin'
Yes, a few choice words were spoken
Waitin' always made me mean
My balls were bluer than the screen
This 'puter weren't just stalled or jokin'
The God fersakin' thing was broken
Well Red, our 'fixer', just skipped town,
But Pops, I knew, was safe and sound
"You'll need," he told me from the slammer
"Oil, duct tape, and a hammer"
I got all that stuff lyin' round
They're why my trailer ain't fell down.
"Things that move but now are froze
Is where a dab of oil goes"
So in each hole that could be seen
I dumped a quart of Valvoline
It didn't work, no chicks arose
The oil pooled around my toes
"When something moves but should stay still
If glue don't work, then duct-tape will"
But tape it where? Well, my gut feeling
Was to tape it to the ceiling
Hang it there, just like road kill
Before it's skinned and on my grill
"When neither works, then just step back
It's hammer time, give it a smack"
The disk drive whirred, stuck out it's tongue
Went "Pfffft", and smoked where I had swung
I killed it with that last attack
The lights went out, the screen turned black
So much for using solid-state
Appliances to masterbate
Guess once again, I'm doomed to look
Inside the family photo book
And jacking off to that ain't great
My cousins all are o'erweight
Back at the bar, where I belong
I'm drinkin' to this country song
When Bud walks in, dials his phone
This chick talks dirty, starts to moan
I got her number to take along
It's just a phone - what could go wrong?
Author notes
The four rules of maintenance actually are: If it doesn't move and should, oil it; if it moves and shouldn't, duct-tape it; if neither works, hit it with a hammer. Thanks to chicdrummer4jc for giving me definitions of Redneck words.
In a list
A contest entry
- NOTHING BUT FUNNY by no more name.
1050 points, ended October 3, 23 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Considering I'm from the mountains of West Virginia I can give you all the hillbilly backwards redneck words you would never use nor need...I laughed so hard while reading this because I actually know a person just like this..he lives next door to me and you described him to a tee..over the summer I get the pleasure of watching him mow his grass in his boxers and cowboy boots..he only weights 400 lbs...so sexy!! he happens to be the main subject of my nightmares..He even sats out in his lawn chair ( in his so sexy boxers ) with his laptop on his lap looking at porn..once I caught him looking in my window..shocked him when I gave him the moon..go figuar...I so loved every word of this..Do you mind if I print it off and give it to this guy that lives next door? this really shows a lot of talent..It's okay..normal people worry me!
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A little slow on the draw on my comments... Sure - copy it off - you wouldn't be the first on this one - it seems to tickle people with red-neck experience. Scary neighbor!
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wtf hahahahhaha.
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Loved it I needed a good laugh. You do a great job on everything you touch no matter what. I wish I had that ability. It takes me along time to get something to come out.But anyhow keep up the great writing.
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Some come easy, some don't. The 'nicer' version of this poem, called "The Woodsman's Ballad", took two months to hash out. I say the nicer version, because the plot is basically the same - Man's love life destroyed by the "Updates" window. But this poem took about 6 days. So I ain't as fast at it as you think. Watch out for them there Gooseberries. Uncle Dunk
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Well worth the gold
Well done.
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Cngrats U.D....very much deserve (as per the coffee test) =)
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And congrats to you on the Silver. I just told my wife this poem won gold, and her only response was - "I'm worried about this country"
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OOer
Yep I know you warned it was adult (I've lead a very sheltered life)
I appreciate the wit and the rhyme and rhythm and yes it was damned funny as well -
OOOhhh hell this is funny... Excellent write I'm still laughing. You diffently wrote something that will keep me laugh for days. Really appreciate you entering the contest.
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entertaining write
great job...
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Hehehe ... this may be rude (not offensive) but it is very funny and I enjoyed reading it, only one thing puzzles me .... you say there are 4 rules of maintenance in you AN but I can only see 3 ... where is the fourth???
Good luck in the contest
Sue
x
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The fourth rule, not utilized in the poem, is measure twice, and cut once. Ironically, I should have proof-read twice, and posted once. Ha! Good catch.
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LMAO!!!
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Ah...dare I say it? PPPFFFFTTTTT!!!! That's what I get for telling you to bring it on...you did! This was splatter coffee on keyboard funny...well worth the effort it took. Still chuckling....=))
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