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Sorry




I wish i could help you understand,
i wish i could make you feel,

the abiding pain, the empty space,

Im sorry i put you in this posistion,
im sorry your stuck in this place,

I know you concieve me as a disgrace,

you never were quick to judge,

but these feelings are appointed all over your face.

Constructive critisim please?

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • Divine Antics
    September 20

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    Not bad at all! The over all message is clear and your choice of words is fantastic. I relate to this poem =/
    Anyways! Cleaning up 'i's and capitalizing them would make this look a lot cleaner. It's a problem I've had for years ssoo~ X3
    I would suggest setting up a rhyme scheme, you've got 'space 'place' 'disgrace' and 'face' almost all being put in placements that make it every other line, which would work if, say, the first line rhymed with them as well.. As it is, it makes for an odd rhyme rhythm that doesn't quite flow properly.
    Common rhyme schemes like:
    a (sit)
    a (hit)
    b (cat)
    b (hat)
    ------
    a (sit)
    b (cat)
    a (hit)
    b (hat)
    --or--
    a (no rhyme)
    b (cat)
    c (no rhyme)
    b (hat)

    would help a lot. I don't think you need to do a lot of adding to this, just maybe some rewording or rearranging. :3


  • just mercedes gold member
    September 19

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    'the abiding pain, the empty space' is a great line!

    the rest of the poem could do with tightening a bit, but I like the easy triple rhyme.