Letter from a Tattered Heart

I’m not really sure how to handle this, I feel so lost. I love him truly. But it doesn’t seem that it is enough. I know I screwed up. In fact I screwed up a lot. I guess I just wish I could have another chance to make things right, just one more chance to show him I love him and want nothing more than to be with him. He probably doesn’t miss me much less still love me and want me. I have brought this upon myself and therefore I deserve this misery.

I could never let go of the memories I have of him and how we were together. As much as they kill a part of me every day and leave my heart literally aching, I just can’t stop loving him. I miss so many things about him that I’ll never be able to forget: the smile he smiled for me; the way we laughed and joked together; how he would pick on me and still act innocent in his little mischievous charm; the special moments we always shared like watching a movie and sleeping together on cam and microphone, I knew how special those moments were because God knows no one else does those things; I miss how he used to call me babe or baby or love or even just the way he would say my name depending on the current mood then; the long talks we would have and even the times we barely said nothing at all but just knew the other was there to listen; - most of all – I miss how he knew me so well, so much better than anyone else, we could finish each others sentences or even remark as the other would because we knew what would be said, and he always knew when I was hiding something and so I could never lie to him even if I wanted to.

How does one go on after such a loss? I could never love this way again. I’ve given so much of myself to him; I’ve let him inside and accepted that he was a safe place. Now he just wants to be friends and I don’t know how to do it. I try hard to pretend I’m okay. I try so hard not to cry but evidently each night that proves impossible as I cry myself to sleep. It’s as though a hole has been left in my heart and endless tears just keep pouring out of me. My love for him shall ever be unconditional no matter how irrational it may seem to others. I can’t help who my heart belongs to, it never had a chance when I met him and I will unequivocally love him till the day I cease to exist. I promised forever, and though he couldn’t believe in me, I hold true to that promise.

I suppose I will make my education and later my career my life. My family and friends will be all the love I’ll ever need. As for my friendship with him, I hope that I can keep him in my life no matter how hard it gets, no matter how much it makes my heart long and ache. For at least I’ll have known true love and still share part of my existence with him. Maybe we’ll get to be best friends however awkward it may start out.

Perhaps I seem like some lovesick obsessed individual, but like I said, I can’t help but know my heart. And those who don’t understand have not felt love in all its literal sense and meaning. Love is many things, lives in many things and controls a great deal of our lives. But true love can only hardly be grasped at. I have a few examples in my life of true love, my father’s parents – memere and pepere – are one. They are how love should be between two people. I saw so much of myself and him in them which proved to me that he was my other half.

But this is how my life is to be. I will cherish my memories and all that I have left to hold dear. I wrap myself again in my secret world, where no one can touch me, where no one can reach me… no one but him. “Here at the end of all my heart knew.”